So, what were we talking about? Oh right. The other day, we had a little discussion about all of those evil things that enter our hormone-infested brains. Specifically things that we've been dying to say to other infertile women but would never dare to. (And if you like that post or any other or none at all.. please consider becoming a subscriber to receive all kinds of blog-related info once a week)
So who's at fault for all of these nasty thoughts we have? (See "Infertile Woman vs Infertile Woman" post to read some of those extremely nasty thoughts.)
Clearly it's "infertility". So I decided, once and for all, to sit down and have a conversation with the son-of-a-bitch. Warning: 9 out of 10 words I use may not be found in your average dictionary. I mean, I'm talking to "Infertility" here. None of your basic Anglo-Saxon words seem to say what's on my mind.
(It's a beautiful line that Lou Grant once said on the classic Mary Tyler Moore Show.
"Mary, you know what happens when I can't swear? It cuts my vocabulary in half.")
Lori: Okay, so, Infertility, I was going along just fine. I had a great new husband, And then YOU came along.
Infertility: Who told you to wait until you were like 92 to try to have a baby?
Lori: I wasn't 92. I was 40.
Infertility: Hey, ask your reproductive system. 40 is the new 92 in fertility years.
Lori: Well, what was I supposed to do? I didn't fall in love and get married until I was almost 40.
Infertility: What are you naive? Who said you had to love anybody to have a baby? Don't you watch Maury?
Hey, did you catch the 16 year old who "loved" anyone in the trailer park who had a Happy Meal and a bag of chips?
Lori: And what is this especially cruel "unexplained infertility" bullshit? Could you give us a hint?
Infertility: A hint?
Lori: Yeah, like if I said: "The cause of my infertility: Is it in my left ovary?"
Then would it kill you to say:
'Your getting warmer'?"
Infertility: No, no. I don't do game shows.
Lori: Listen, you motherf-----, you've completely ruined my life.
Infertility: That's not totally true. I had nothing to do with your hair...or your nose...or some unfortunate boyfriend choices...or your (count 'em) twenty-six dead end jobs.
Lori: Okay, so you've only ruined a few years of my life. It's perfect that I have to stick syringes in my butt every night. Because everything about you is a huge pain in my ass.
Infertility: I don't see what you're getting so upset about. You should thank me. If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have this annoying blog.
Lori: Yeah, you've got a point there. Of course I could have had a blog about how easily I got pregnant or the dumb mommy accessory that I invented to make mommyhood easier for other mommies...
Oh, and one more thing before you go, infertility, you disease, illness, condition, public nuisance, private nuisance ...I think infertile people everywhere wouldn't mind if I took the liberty of speaking on their behalf when I say..... Screw you.
Listen, I gotta go bathe.
(And if you haven't read my latest post at Fertility Authority: "Cure for Male Infertility...I'm Thrilled...No, Really, I Am", please take a click over when you get a sec: http://fertilityauthority.com/blogger/1013368)