(Start with Monday if you can. Every post this week, I assure you, has been a gem. The Hope Diamond or Cubic Zirconia? You decide.) So, what were talking about? Oh right. Some of the angrier crew running a few of these infertility sites. Yeah, I once read a "Welcome!" page and knew immediately by the demeanor of her "greeting" that I was asking for trouble. But I went ahead, against my better judgement, and signed up anyway.
The mandatory blurb explaining why I wanted to join went something like this:
"I've been through infertility and IVF. My humor blog is designed to de-stress others on the same journey."
Well that did it. I somehow triggered a rampage response. This woman did everything but kick me in my proverbial nuts:
"I know that humor is important but how DARE you make fun of people going through such a devastating whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever!"
Okay, so whose blog was she talking about? You know I was dying to ask her that but I thought the only place left for her to go was to burn down my house.
One thing on these infertility support sites has had me baffled since the beginning:
I don't understand any of the abbreviations. (How's that for a segue?) I admit, I'm confused by all text-speak and I have a pet peeve about people who text and drive. Half the people can't drive and drive, now they want to look elsewhere while going 60 M.P.H?
I literally know 4 phrases:
BFF: -Mine is my husband. I'm not sure if I'll get the "awwwww" reaction or "Really? Gee, that's kind of pathetic isn't it?" Ya got nobody else huh?
BRB:- Need you know that I stopped typing momentarily because the Taco Bell kicked in?
LOL: If a humor writer has to alert you that something she just wrote is funny, there's trouble in Humorville.
BYOB... That's not text-related is it? Okay, so I only know 3 phrases.
It took me about a year to figure out DH mean't "Dear Husband" (doesn't it?). One woman in discussing her husband called him: "AH" and I thought: Okay, I'm familiar with that one. I've never called my DH that, but I could see how a wife might call a husband that. It turned out to be a typo. I could see how that might happen. The "A" and "D" are pretty close on a keyboard.
One woman was incensed that someone who was single wrote DH when actually she only had a BF. Okay, so the woman who brought this to her attention clearly has WTMTOHH (Way Too Much Time On Her Hands).
If I noticed this single/married discrepancy, personally, I would have just tossed it into my "W" file: (Who Gives a ....?"
All of these abbreviations remind me of convoluted personalized license plates. I sit there behind the wheel, waiting for traffic to move, squinting until I have a headache, while I'm sounding it out like I'm on a game show. (I've come close to running up a few tailpipes).
If I've followed/stalked somebody six blocks trying to figure out what their plate says, it had better be worth my while. Occasionally it is.
One time I blew past my exit to decipher a guy's license plate that spelled out: "Don't fk with me" in Spanish. Then I went another two miles out of my way just so I could drive up next to him and give him a thumbs-up.
But if I've wasted ten minutes of my day trying to unscramble "I Love My Cub Scout!", that's the moment I realize why I was never meant to own a fire arm.
In case I ever do decide to purchase a pistol passenger, I probably should forewarn lame license plate owners everywhere. Maybe I could buy that personalized plate off that latino guy. It's not like I don't know how to find him.
Listen I gotta go. My husband and I have to start our annual autumn ritual: He schleps me to every place within a 200 mile radius in hopes of finding (which he never does) pumpkin seeds in the shell.
Tomorrow we'll start on some local farms. By late November he'll be so desperate, he'll be taking me to Home Depot... because they sell pumpkin colored paint.
I'll talk with ya Monday.