"And What ELSE We've Been Screwed On" (Male Infertility Breakthrough)

So apparently for years and years, researchers around the globe have diligently been working on the problem of male infertility. Doesn't that just figure? Hey, I'm not in anyway underplaying the severity of the male infertility situation. If you've got a good partner, whoever has the fertility issue, you both suffer. The couple suffers, the relationship suffers.

Even though I talk about football non-stop year round and have been told many times:

"Boy, I can't believe you said that! You must have some humongous (male parts) on you!"

I can't even begin to imagine the devastation a man feels when he's told he's physically responsible for the couple's infertility.

Research in Japan just came up with a promising prospect for infertile men.

Basically, in the future, scientists may be able to mix these chemicals with vitamins and put them into a man's testicles and no matter what his fertility issue was, he'll from them on be able to grow his very own healthy, wealthy, and wise, macho sperm... as proud, hard working, and egocentric as any other man's sperm.

Ain't that some shit?

So for the past several decades, we infertile women have been given the infertility workout:

Pop those pills, give that blood, shove those suppositories, get that surgery, open those tubes, remove those cysts, pump up those hormone levels, grow those follicles, harvest those eggs. Oh, no luck yet? Maybe  you can get a donor, a surrogate, or adopt.

So, now out of nowhere, the Sperm Fairy's going to fly over to your couch in her skimpy frock with her perky boobs and her one inch waist and sprinkle her fairy dust over your husband's crotch and presto changeo:

"Now he has no sperm... Now he does!"  Looky there.  He's totally cured forever and didn't even have to set down his beer. 

Where's his workout? Where's all of this?:

"The male infertility problem is very complex. You know it may not always be a problem with the sperm and we really won't know until we do a series of tests. So first we're going to take thirty or so pictures of your Adam's apple to be sure it doesn't have worms."

"Then we're going to have to send you for a very expensive scan to count how many follicles there are in your chest hair. We want to make sure that there is at least 52 percent more hair on your chest than your back.

Your chest will be inside a plaster cast during the scan and you won't be able to breathe during the forty minute test, but the scan is relatively painless...especially after the first two or so minutes."  

But no. While we continue to try annoying, devastating, painful, expensive, procedures over and over again that may or may not ever work, he'll be sitting home just comfortably growing sperm- maybe in the back yard between your hydrangea bush and his marijuana plant.

Then to add insult to injury, scientists will undoubtedly come out with this press release:

"Just found out that sperm will actually grow faster if the testicles are scratched every 20 minutes... Or groped by his partner every hour and a half."

Of course things may not seem as rosy for the guy at second glance.

If and when this treatment which has thus far only been done on lab mice, is actually available to human males, the chemical and vitamin concoction won't really be administered by the Sperm Fairy, but I would imagine... by injection. 

How many men do you suppose would rather get thirty shots in their eye than one in their testicles? 100% I imagine.

Listen, I gotta go. It's Monday, August 8th...sorry I got no better reason than that.