(Start with "Monday" if you can. Anger is like a good grudge: It builds over time.) So, what were we talking about? Oh right. My friend who believes that anger is a great motivator. She's the only woman I know who is actually easier to be around during PMS time.
Yesterday I was talking about how misinformation and missing information are a big part of what makes me angry---infertility-wise.
When I finally did get pregnant, I was bleeding almost all of the time early on. So of course I was freaking out all of the time. That seemed like the appropriate response. Don't you think? The more you bleed, the more you freak.
When I called the doctor, the phone was shaking so much in my hand it looked like I was brushing my hair with it. And I was sweating all over the phone. So here I am, grooming myself with my Verizon wireless, trying not to electrocute myself: "Dr. Dr, I'm bbleeeding."
He responded: "Well, of course, you're bleeding. Your hormone level is very high."
Okay. I didn't know that. Did anybody else? Apparently he did. Could he have shared sometime between "Your pregnancy test is positive" and me drowning in my own perspiration?
And it was such a pleasant, nonchalant conversation we had, as if I'd asked him: "So, do you want to order lunch?"
"Yeah, get me chicken salad." Just your casual, average, everyday chat.
"And how's the wife? The new house? The boat? The beach house on the Riviera? Okay, well, I've got to go now and take a shower and find a good strong feminine product. Nice talking to you, Doc."
Besides misinformation and missing information, "Fertility Overachievers" irritate me no end.
Like now, there's this woman in Utah who has, count 'em, TWO uteruses. Whom is she trying to impress? (My father used to say I ate like I had two assh.... I think that's totally different.)
Apparently this is a condition that takes place when the mom-to-be was an itty bitty baby fetus herself. She could go her whole life without knowing it. Oh, wait...Did I mention she was presently pregnant in both uteruses?
I heard that she was pregnant with two different men's babies and she wasn't sure who the baby daddies were because she was pole dancing and high on crystal meth and there was this big orgy at the club.
Okay, some of that isn't true. Or any of it after the part about her being pregnant in two uteruses. I just thought I'd feel better about myself if I could spread a rumor along with my usual sunshine.
To make matters worse: This woman in Utah is a ...you guessed it (no I wasn't going to say "mormon") She's a delivery room nurse! What's next for this overachieving female? Her kids will grow-up to be the first double-uterine co-presidents of the United States?
If anybody reads somewhere that she delivered her own babies, please don't tell me. I have enough trouble putting on pantyhose standing up without falling into the wall.
Listen I gotta go. I think I'll get a mirror and try to count my uteruses. Ya never know. I'll talk with ya tomorrow.