(Start with Monday if you can. I'll await your return with bated breath) So what were we talking about? Oh right. I was saying how pointless a holiday Mother’s Day really is. There’s no parade, no football, and no good food. Who makes the best food? Mom. But she has the day off. So in honor of her, the great cook, let’s cram eight people around a table for six at a restaurant chain. Personally, I’d just as soon visit the drive-thru. At least there aren’t forty other loud happy families in my car.
I mentioned the other day that for nearly twenty years, I was neither a mother nor had one. Big deal. Don’t cry for me Argentina, or Cincinnati, or Madrid. It’s life. We all live through one. My point is, that for all of those Mother’s Days I never knew how to respond when people would say “Happy Mother’s Day.”
I took a little poll of women in my life to see how they handle it. Neither Julia nor Leonore have kids though they both breastfeed their dogs.
When someone asks Julia if she has children, she says: “No. I’m allergic.”
When someone says “Happy Mother’s Day” to Leonore she says “Happy Mother’s Day to the mother in all of us.” So, what we can conclude from my little study, I believe, is that, I’ve surrounded myself with smart asses. Go figure.
I’ve come to the realization that there are only two response options to the “Happy Mother’s Day” debacle: Educate or Evacuate. You decide.
Do you want to explain things to this person or do you just want them to go away? Personally, nothing is more pleasing to my ear than the sound of a greeting trailing off as the well-wisher gets smaller and smaller into the horizon. “Happy Mother’s Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.” And they’re gone.
For years I used the “You too” method to keep 'em movin'.
“Happy Mother’s Day” “You too!”
“Happy Vacation” “You too!”
“Happy Birthday” “You too!”
“Happy Anniversary” “You too!”
“What’s your favorite band?” “U2!”
About once in a thousand, it’s actually an appropriate response.
I mean, I could have taken the “Educate” route. If someone said “Happy Mother’s Day”, I would have gladly explained that I didn’t celebrate Mother’s Day because I had no kids because I was an old broad when I got married and apparently my eggs had turned to ash...
...... and then I went broke going for treatments and did 3 IUI’s that didn’t take...
...... and then the doctor OD’d me on hormones the fourth time so they had to cancel it...
...... and then I had an egg retrieval and they took out 21 eggs and 16 looked good...
...... and then they put 4 inside of me and froze four more…”
I think I'll stick with: “You too. Keep it movin’." It's so much simpler.
Listen, I gotta go. My lunch hour was over two hours ago and it's time to go home.. I’ll talk with ya tomorrow.