But Are You Infertile ENOUGH?

I recently read a post by a poor woman who was ousted from an online infertility support group. Okay, I've been unceremoniously told to not return to a few myself. (You know that sound of a door opening when one of your friends logs on to AOL? Think of someone yelling: "Screw off!" and slamming the door shut. It was kind of like that.) Of course I might occasionally say something offensive, thus encouraging the "screw off" order in my direction.

But this poor woman, as she tells it anyway (of course there are always twelve sides to every argument but enough about Real Housewives of Wherever) was told to leave an infertility support group because she has a child.

I'm not sure how long she's been trying to conceive this go 'round but she's apparently infertile. I mean what lunatic would spend their days kvetching about their infertility to a bunch of other stressed and depressed infertile strangers online if they weren't really infertile?

I'm not thinking there are dozens of fertile women just clamoring to get into one of those groups. It's not something you're likely to put on your resume as a group you belong to, to impress a future employer and it's definitely not as exciting as hanging with the Kardashians.  

Geez, I know people go to extremes to fit in to cliques but who the hell would be dying to get into this miserable sisterhood enough to fake being infertile? I mean, I've met literally hundreds of phenomenal women via this road, but to be perfectly honest, I'd just as soon as met each and every one of them somewhere totally different.

So I don't think anybody doubts this woman who was banished is infertile. It's just that she has a child. So apparently she's not infertile enough.  Maybe if she agreed to ship off her daughter to be raised by relatives in another state, to show how serious she was about joining, she could be let back in the group.

We all get how hard it is when you're dealing with infertility to hear about kids, so maybe we SHOULD have standardized guidelines that all infertility forums should adhere to.

In order to be eligible to join any online infertility forum: 

1) You must never have been pregnant. (Chemical pregnancies DO count!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

(Okay, that lets out probably 90% of us right there.)

2) You may not have any children of any kind living in your house.

(This includes step-children, adopted children, your younger siblings, foster children, exchange students,  your neighbor's kids that you babysit at your house twice a week while she's at work, to help pay for your fertility treatments, or excessive trick-or-treaters .)  

3) Your husband's sperm count must be no greater than 1/2 of a tank full at any given time.

4) If you are over thirty-five, you must have gone through menopause. (Please provide proof that there's not even one stray egg rattling  around in there)         

5) You must be having unprotected sex at least five times a week (wow!) for a minimum of 6 months before you are eligible to join a group.

Let's face it: The whole thing is ridiculous. As long as you're legitimately a self-declared infertile person and not just someone trying to infiltrate an infertility forum so that you can get women to buy your new invention: The Egg GPS that tracks the egg on the way down your fallopian tube ("Continue South 1.3 millimeters. Make a slight right to stay in the fallopian tube. Your destination will be...Nevermind. Just stay where you are and let  that swarm of squiggly guys with lust in their eyes find you.")

I am also ready to give the woman who banned her from the group the benefit of the doubt. Once the infertility hormones, anger, stress, and frustration set in, I like to think we're no longer responsible for either our actions or our foul mouths.   

So either "fertility brain" is the culprit or it's like what my father used to say about the pesky 80 year old security guy at the senior facility in Florida where he lived: "See Lori: This is what happens when you give a moron a little authority."

If you'd like more Laughing IS Conceivable, please do subscribe to this blog. Also check out my latest at Fertility Authority: Some info about surviving Halloween followed by my post "The Season of My Infertility" http://fertilityauthority.com/blogger/1013368