I think one of the hardest things to explain to the "outside world" when you're dealing with infertility is how ANYTHING can trigger our sadness or negative thoughts and feelings. It really doesn't take much to set us off. Last week I waxed poetic (sounds nicer than "talked sht") about how truly impossible it is to have a normal conversation with an infertile woman.
And the closer you are to us, the more you're in trouble. Spouses have no chance at all. Sometimes we're so stuck in our own heads and what we're going through, we don't even want to look at our spouses and there's probably a million times they'd rather not listen to us.
But we won't tell him to get lost. We need his affection. We need his support. We need his sperm.
And he won't tell us to get lost... I have absolutely no idea why.
And while hubby/boyfriend/spouse (I first heard the term "spouse" when I was eight playing the board game "Life". To this day, whenever somebody mentions their "spouse". I picture a blue or pink peg with no face, only a head.) Anyway...
Whatever you call your peg that rides beside you in that game o' life... He or she is not the only one who has the privilege of having disturbing, bizarre, hormone-drug induced chats with us.
Anyone who came into my personal space during one of my frequent spontaneous, anxiety-ridden moments was fair game. Even the sixteen year old cashier at McDonald's.
Even through the intercom and my driver's side window that barely opens, this poor girl could see that I wasn't "right".
"Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
"Yes, Hi. I'd like a six piece McNuggets meal with a large Coke please."
"Is that for a girl or a boy?"
"No, I don't want the kid's meal. Do you see any kids in my car?"
"Ma'am, I can't see into your car from here. It's just a microphone."
"Not everybody has kids you know. Some people just choose not to have kids, young lady. Some people aren't ready to have kids. Some people try and try over and over and over and think about nothing else but STILL can't have kids! Do you just assume because I'm a woman that I have kids?"
"No Ma'am. I just assume when you order a six piece McNuggets meal that you want the kids' meal. The regular extra value meal comes with ten pieces... but you can get it with six... if you want medium fries and no toy."
"No, you'd better give me the kids' meal. I deserve a toy. I need a toy... And, (sniff sniff boo hoo) could I have extra napkins please?"
"That'll be $5.62. Next window please. Have a nice day."
As I approached, the cashier grabbed my money and tossed my red Happy Meal box through her automatic window and into the car while my wheels were still rolling, like I had cooties.
I pulled into a parking spot. In my altered state of rationality, I felt quite confident that I would be comforted by my 6200 fat calories, 5000 milligrams of sodium, two months worth of caffeine...and, of course...my toy.
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This week: Come dine with me at the "Infertility Cafeteria" where there are never any value meals and everything's strictly a la carte. http://fertilityauthority.com/blogger/1013368