So how did everyone do for Father's Day? I think the most difficult part of any of these holidays- the hardest part about being around people in general when you're going through infertility is: The feeling of being left out.
All of a sudden, when you don't have a baby, life feels like one big mother of a party that you and only you haven't been invited to.
Suddenly you can't get pregnant, and it seems like the whole world decides to get pregnant just to mock you.
"Just this week, two gay guys I work with, my 80 year old grandmother, and a nun at my church... pregnant!... Last week it was my cousin who had a hysterectomy, her sister who was born with testicles and my husband's boss who just had twins last week and is pregnant again!"
Maybe for you guys this is all new to you...this whole "being left out" thing. I don't know... I feel like I've gone through this my whole life. I'm kind of used to it.
Nevermind the small stuff like being picked last for kick ball in first grade...or waiting on line for an hour for a carnival ride and having them close it just as it's finally your turn because the carney has to pee (I thought it would be politer if I said "pee" instead of "shoot up" or "dodge a cop showing a 'wanted' poster to the guy running the tilt-a-wheel.").
Can we talk prom for a moment?
I had a lot of male friends but no particular boyfriend at the time. When it came to prom, my male friends either didn't want to go or preferred to go with someone they liked in that special "I hope to fall in love with or at least do you someday" way.
I probably asked a half dozen guys and got nowhere. Texting wasn't invented yet so I got to see their facial expressions in real time when they actually told me to screw off.
Finally, at the last possible moment to reserve my spot at the table, my friend Michael agreed to go with me. Michael was a very nice guy and probably just a wee bit gay.
I'm not sure what happened but I also somehow was at my all-time chunkiest at that time in my life. And I decided for some unknown reason to wear a yellow dress. (There's no reason in the world why any pale woman whose family is of Eastern European descent should ever willingly wear large pieces of yellow anything.)
After the prom, we all went to the shore. Michael didn't go. Even my maybe gay date baled and I went with my sister. To sum it up, the Jersey Shore wasn't as nice to me as it is to Snooki. They overbooked the hotel so my sister and I got bounced, I went for a nice stroll on the beach and found the stretch of Jersey with no ozone layer. Who needed to go out for breakfast? You could have fried eggs on my arm and bacon on my back. And then, my friend's boyfriend, whose eyes looked in two entirely different directions was hitting on me.
So I was nearly left out of the table, then left out of having a date, then left out of the hotel (literally), then left out of having a good time with my friends.
And then from the time I was in my twenties until I was almost 40 and not even close to being married... I was left out of the couples' world...Then of course when I couldn't get pregnant... I was left out of the pregnant and/or I have kids world. My point is: So what?
So you're out of the loop, out of the clique for a while. In this moment of time, we've made our own loop... of the millions of others trying to conceive. Okay, it's a neurotic, depressing, desperate loop a lot of times, but it's still ours.
And then, guess what? One day, in one way or another, every one of us will graduate from this loop and be back in their old cliques... and probably say to ourselves: "Did I really hang out with these idiots?"