"Get Pregnant Quick!" Schemes (Friday)

(Start with "Monday' if you can. You won't regret it. There's some very R-rated stuff this week. "Wednesday" is particularly filthy.) So, what were we talking about? Oh right. Sperm Boosters. About ten times this week, for some reason, I've almost called them "Sperm Busters". As in "Crime Busters" or "Who ya gonna call? Sperm Busters!"

So,now I've spent a week checking out things which may be either real answers to our fertility issues or just infertility hocus-pocus.

If  infertility stops being a billion dollar business, we'll probably see the same sites with the word "Infertility" crossed out and the word "Cancer" or "Hemhorroids" scribbled over it.

So, like I said, I've got a week of digging into these sites under my belt. (Am I qualified to become an investigative reporter for "Showbiz Tonight"? That's where Tom Brokaw got his start, you know.)

I also spent two years trying to get pregnant. And in those dark, lonely moments, I know that the lines fade between what you really believe and what you're willing to believe. So, I'm absolutely nobody to call anything a scam.

I did, however, learn some handy little tidbits from these sites which I think would be extremely helpful should I ever choose to be an entremanure myself and grow my own scam.

1) Vague is Good. Ridiculous is Better.

Q. Where were your studies conducted?

 A. In ninety-six countries on eight continents.

Q. How many people participated in your focus group?

 A. Several million. None of them have last names and all of them live in places that haven't been invented yet or cities so big, you couldn't possibly ever, never, ever never find them.

The Sperm Booster I looked into had a testimonial from Sommerville, South Carolina. As of yet, I haven't located this woman, or, for that matter, Sommerville, SC. There is indeed a Summerville, SC. So, is this a typo, a place that exists that I just haven't found, or a town six miles due west off the coast of Fantasy Island?

Still, it checked out better than the ovulation booster. I can't find the research that's cited. I can't even find the woman peddling the product. She's apparently search engine shy.        

2) Have a product whose main ingredient comes from a place 99% of Americans will never visit,  and 6% would be able to spell only if it was mentioned repeatedly in Us magazine because a celebrity had named his kid that.

All of these sites peddle these secret, mysterious Asian herbs, mostly from China, up the yin-yang. So, apparently all 1.3 billion Chinese people know about these fertility herbs and none of them are talking.

One day, I'm going to take a trip to China and corner some of them (it would have been unfair of me to say "Shanghai" )

I can imagine their response: "Herb? What herb? What the hell are you people talking about? MSG is not an herb." (Yeah, yeah, I know MSG is probably only used in Chinese restaurants in America to make their food fit in with all the other crap we eat.)     

One site even went as far as to say that these herbs were the reason why China has no infertility. So is there really no infertility in China? There's plenty according to articles on boston.com,womenofchina.cn and asiaone.com.

Of course with that "one child only" policy, one could make the claim that there's no secondary infertility in China.

3) The Ultimate Sales Tool: Guilt

The ovulation booster site goes on and on:

"You really need to act right now."

“Procrastination Will Cost You Big Time”


So now you know what your mother has been up to lately.  

Listen, I gotta go. My friend invited us to a pool party this weekend and I have to bring the hose. I need a better class of friends. I'll talk with ya again on Monday.