"Get Pregnant Quick!" Schemes (Thursday)

(Start with "Monday" if you can. Remember that day in 2002 when you worked late and they said they would make it up to you but never did? The interest alone should buy you another ten minutes reading time.) So, what were  we talking about? Oh right. Fertility kits. Complete with seventeen steps to simultaneously cleanse your organs and your wallet.

The site I mentioned yesterday has a great deal for those of us in this neck of the world:

"Complete Cleansing Kit available in U.S. and Canada: $891."

"Complete Cleansing Kit available outside of U.S. and Canada: $891."

Is this the best they could do for our North American discount?

I sense a "copy and paste" job gone terribly awry.

I asked some fertility experts what products are out there that they think may not be legitimate. One they mentioned:  "Sperm Boosters".

I found a company, "Jock Juice" (names have been changed to protect myself) that sells herbal pills to increase sperm volume and motility. Interestingly, the site didn't mention the fertility benefits until paragraph number four and only briefly then.

I won't tell you what benefits the first three paragraphs focused on. Let's just say I read it with my hand over my eyes, peeking through my fingers. By the time I was done reading, I wished I'd replenished my antiperspirant.

The grammar on the site was atrocious, but somehow I didn't mind.

I guess the marketing strategy here is: If you're going to sell to a man, hit him where he lives.

The site I talked about the other day, massage therapy used to boost female fertility, had oodles of testimonials. I love testimonials. How can I not trust Sarah and Hannah and Judith? They're all smiling. They all look so trustworthy and they all have both babies and Biblical names. It's like a sign from GD.

This sperm booster site: "Swim Boys Swim!" had no testimonials. I found that disappointing. Couldn't they have  Joshua, or Daniel, or Ezekial telling us how, since they started taking "Fertile Phil" pills, they've hung out at the Playboy mansion every night, just impregnating left and right?

They did have a photo of  "before" and "after" semen samples to show us how much semen volume had increased. I really didn't want that photo there.

I promise you. I would have been content if they'd scribbled down a statistic and walked away. "Semen volume increased 60%.  Bye."

I really didn't want to know what was in those cups. I really don't want to know how it got there.  

I'm traumatized. Every time that image pops back into my head I have to calm myself down: "It's okay, Lori. They probably just poured some Milk of Magnesia into the cups. All white milky substances look alike.  You're fine. You're on a beach. It's sunny and warm."

Listen, I gotta go. Apparently even a comfy chair can turn on you after three hours. I'll talk with ya again tomorrow.