"Get Pregnant Quick!" Schemes (Tuesday)

(Start with "Monday" if you can. The meeting upstairs can wait another five minutes. Or six. May as well get a snack too. Who the hell do these people think they are anyway?)  So, what were we talking about? Oh right. Scam artists. Dating back to when Aunt Bee bought an energy elixir from a medicine man passing through Mayberry that turned out to be 40 proof...and centuries before that.

Honestly, I don't have enough chudspa to say that these "Get Pregnant Quick" schemes aren't legitimate. I know that a Reproductive Endocrinologist friend of mine calls them "Bovine Excrement". (He's a gentleman from Texas). But he has a medical degree or two to back up his disdain.

So maybe some of these "out there" solutions to infertility only make sense 1% of the time. When you've been financially, emotionally, and physically exhausted, you're desperately seeking hope... and at that point, a  glimmer is often all it takes. 

There's one group who purports to get "scores" of patients pregnant. Well, in measurements, I think a score is twenty. That's not that many. In bowling, a perfect score is 300. I'm thinking that's not what they mean.

Of course if  a guy "scores", it means he slept with the unlucky broad. That brings us closer to the whole "getting pregnant" thing in a roundabout way.

Anyway, according to this company's info, all the magic is done through massage. I don't know how, but it is.

Massage is one of my favorite things in the world. If I'd only known, years ago, to say something to Olga while she was pounding my lifeless body into the table: "Hey Olga. I'm trying to get pregnant. Could you shake something loose in there?"

And on this company's website, there are, naturally, dozens of testimonials. Poor testimonial women, most of them don't have last names.

Is it because the doctors are protecting their patients' privacy or are they just not printing last names because it was hard enough to make up 40 first names?

And, it all goes way beyond massage.

One study even states that women, oh by the way, also experienced heightened sexual pleasure after having done the massage therapy. Why not? May as well throw that in. Not only will you get pregnant after 8 years of trying, your husband's suddenly a superstar in bed... after 12 years of trying.

The entire therapy includes nutrition, supplements,massage, acupressure (I think a weatherman comes in to do that last one.)

I was reading intently until they mentioned: Herbal tampons. Wow, does that sound itchy.  More uncomfortable, even, than boy shorts, if that's possible. I'd be afraid that every time I uncrossed my legs on the bus, someone would say: "Why do I keep smelling potpourri?"

Listen, I gotta go. I'm an investigative reporter this week. There's work to be done. I'll talk with ya again tomorrow.