"Get Pregnant Quick!" Schemes (Wednesday)

(Start with "Monday" if you can. So what if the boss gets mad? Who does she think she is anyway? Oh right...the boss.) So what were talking about? Oh right.   People putting ideas in our heads. Right. We don't have enough people asking "When are you going to get pregnant?" or "Aren't you trying?".

Now there are all of these surefire ways on the Internet to conquer infertility. Some of them don't seem any more scientific or make any more sense than our friends' suggestions: "Take a vacation and relax! Go have fun! You'll see. You'll come back pregnant!" 

So  many people said that to me, I was surprised Disneyland didn't add it to their advertisements:  "Adventure Land, Frontier Land: Come to the 'Land of YOUR Future'. Last year alone, five thousand women got pregnant on Space Mountain....in the dark..." 

A lot of the "Get Pregnant Quick" schemes seem to involve people wanting to cleanse our bodies. It's like these people are all walking around with a giant sponge and can of Ajax just itching to disinfect our internal plumbing.

People love to peddle herbs. I mentioned yesterday about an herbal tampon that's been floating around cyberspace. Now, that's a pretty visual. I'm not sure how that gets your body back into conception mode. Honestly I'm not sure if I could deal with knowing.

They never seem to mention much about what these herbs are, but apparently Chinese people know all about them.  Words like "ancient" are always thrown around these websites. Somehow when you throw "herbs", "ancient" and "Chinese" into a sentence, they add credibility to everything.

Like, if I told you "There are these ancient herbs that the Chinese use every day." Oooh mysterious. I wonder what it's all about. But if I said: "There's this tunafish that my Jewish family has been eating since last Wednesday." You might be like: "Yeah, that's a week already. Might want to throw that out."

My roommate from college is Chinese. I'll ask her if she knows about these mysterious fertility herbs. She's a punk rocker from Queens, so I doubt it. But I'll ask anyway.

This one "Get Pregnant Quick" site that a reader brought to my attention offers:  Liver cleansing, kidney cleansing, colon cleansing: No organ goes unwashed. It's like Liquid Plumber for your innards.

Liver cleanser, maybe. Kidney cleanser, maybe. But colon cleanser $87.50? Ridiculous. Who needs that product? People too lazy to order from the drive-thru menu? And $87.50? A fast food value meal only costs five or six bucks. (A Supersize costs more. Depending on how fast you want to cleanse.)

They also, on this particular site,  offer  (major "squirm" alert) "chamomile cleanse herbal douche mix".

Does "chamomile cleanse herbal douche mix" just roll off anybody's tongue?

If we could only get that phrase into everyday speech, I'm sure all around the halls of high schools everywhere, teenage boys would be communicating with each other in a whole new way: "Hey, you chamomile cleanse herbal douche mix, I'm talking to you!"

Listen, I gotta go. I think I'll stop by McDonald's. It's my two-in-one ancient Chinese herbal body elixir regime. I can cleanse an organ and clog an artery at the same time.   I'll talk with ya again tomorrow.