Get Your Free Fertility Advice: Just $19.99 (Friday)

So what were we talking about? Oh right. The "wonderful" advice those around us give to cure our infertility woes. The worst part about the advice, actually there are 2 worst parts: The Audio part and the Boomerang part. A)  The Audio part: When they talk we have to hear it.

B) The Boomerang part: After they give us the sucko advice they follow-up to see if we took it.

Well, as for having to hear it...You don't necessarily have to hear it.

I recommend learning all the words to the Queen song "Bohemian Rhapsody". It's just about six minutes long and it will give you something to entertain yourself with until your self-proclaimed infertility mentor shuts the hell up.

You won't appear rude because you'll be standing there quietly for five minutes and fifty-five seconds. Pump up the volume in your head to the widest part of the arrow on your mental dial. The more you can drown these people out the better. 

And don't worry if you can't resist bopping your head like a nut like they did to this song in Wayne's World. Hopefully your do-gooder "infertility expert" will just interpret this as some kind of seizure and run away for help.  Mission accomplished.

Then we have to deal with "B": The Boomerang part. 

Yeah, great. The problem with these dime store experts is they're like elephants: They never forget.

It would be amazing if they could just ramble on while you whistle your happy tune and then as they walk away, you mumble  "screw off". And that would be the end of it.

But no. They remember every idiotic idea they suggested and then come back to test you.

"So, that thing I suggested you do to get pregnant...Have you tried it yet? What are you waiting for? I'm telling you, trust me..." (and here comes the biggest lie of them all):

"I know what I'm talking about."

There's only one possible response as far as I can see:

"Yes, I took your advice.... In fact, I took ALL of your great advice: We booked a trip to the south of France because you said that women always get pregnant in a romantic setting.

While we're there, we'll call your aunt in Brazil who has seven kids because as you said:  "She must know something."     

Then we'll skip over to Russia and get a dozen or so of those wooden nesting dolls. But not one that only has a little doll inside of a medium-sized doll inside a big doll.

No, I remember you told me specifically that you read somewhere (but you couldn't remember where... imagine that) that it had to be an itty bitty nesting doll inside a teeny weeny nesting doll inside a petite nesting doll inside a medium nesting doll, inside a medium large nesting doll, inside a humongous nesting doll, inside a morbidly obese nesting doll for it to work.

And it had to be bought in Russia. It couldn't be the same one I saw for three dollars at the dollar store across the street from my house.

My only fear of following all of your excellent advice is that it will work too well... And we'll be stuck with a wooden baby who eats snails and demands to be waxed before going to the beach."

If you'd like to join my great group of blog subscribers, please do. It's easy, free and mildly entertaining.

And if you haven't seen my latest post at Fertility Authority: 

"This Summer: Be the Griller not the Grilled". Please click over and experience the joy of changing the neighborhood conversation from your infertility to other neighbors' dark, dirty, little secrets.      

Listen, I gotta go. It's Friday and a big night for partying. Where I live that means all the bars and restaurants will be open till eight.  

I'll talk with ya again Monday.