Get Your Free Fertility Advice: Just $19.99 (Wednesday)

So, what were we talking about? Oh right. People and their well-meaning useless advice.  Sometimes people are so into giving advice on how to get pregnant, you don't know whether to be touched by their concern,  or wonder if they have stock in whatever jerky idea they're peddling.  And let the infomercial begin.

"Have you heard about the 'Ovulator'? Look, here's the ad for it in this magazine."

"Of course I never tried it myself...You know I never had any problems getting pregnant... but they say it's great." (The world renowned "They" experts. Today "They" are in Star magazine with the 'Ovulator'. Tonight "They" can be seen on CNN sorting out Syria.)

"Anyway, this girl I used to work with, she had the same problem you have...

(So.... What problem would that be that I share with this total stranger who may or may not really exist? She had trouble having a baby and I have trouble having a baby?   Or that there's this moron we both know hawking some worthless contraption in a magazine right between Kim Kardashian just finding out she has a twin and Rep. Anthony Weiner on-line dating Arnold Schwarzenegger's love- child?   

I mean, go ahead, ask her what my fertility problem is. She'll tell ya. "She can't get pregnant." There, you go. It's amazing how simple it was. I wonder why my team of fertility specialists can't figure it out. )

The infomercial continues:

"So this girl saw this on TV at 2Am while she was up, depressed, watching a 'Beaches' marathon on Lifetime, and she dialed the toll free number and the next morning, a guy was at  her house demonstrating how the 'Ovulator'  worked in her kitchen.

He plugged it in, took off the lid, threw in some bananas and strawberries and told her to spit in it.

I mean I know it just looks like a blender and sounds like a Vivanno smoothie made by  a pissed off Starbucks barista, but it's much much more.

And because she called in the next five minutes, he threw in a second 'Ovulator' absolutely free.  And because she acted so fact, she also received a book of baby names absolutely free.

And they were so sure that she would be completely satisfied with her 'Ovulator' that she got a 30-day money back guarantee and, even if she returned it, still could keep the book of baby names as a gift.  

I just think before you waste any more money with these doctors, (and then the words which graze by your face like a bullet or the kiss of death itself:) It might be worth a try...You never know..." 

Which I can understand. Whenever I'm in the market for high quality pharmaceuticals, I usually stop at the "As Seen on TV" aisle first.

Listen I gotta go. There's a big pool party going on today in our neighborhood and I have a lot to do before it starts: Buy a bathing suit, lose twelve pounds, and befriend the people with the pool. 

I'll talk with ya again tomorrow.