Every time you read statistics on teens getting pregnant, don't you just want to hurt somebody? The latest data I've seen, from 2014, shows that while teens are getting pregnant at an all-time low rate in the U.S., there were still 249,078 babies born to females between 15 and 19 that year. (The "19" makes me a lot less queasy than the "15".) I think this is why the likes of us have trouble getting pregnant. We know too damn much. We have to think more like a schmucky teenager. You know, think back. Remember when you knew nothing but thought you knew everything?
Let's see if we can key in on how all those teens are getting pregnant. There must be something they're all doing right. Here are some tips I've come up with from what I've observed from teens:
1) Be a horny seventeen year old.
So here we all are wasting our time looking at calendars and ovulation kits and telling our spouses that it's not that we mind doing it now, but why bother when it's not the optimal day, hour, minute to get pregnant? Instead, we should just be doing it constantly--Any time of day. During lunch period. Standing up in a locker. So forget your comfy queen size in your master bedroom...that doesn't seem to be working. How about your parent's bedroom? (ew) Or on a high school cafeteria table? (worse things have been on it) Or under the bleachers during a football game? Or sex on a beach? It doesn't have to be just a drink you know.
2) Listen to what a teenage boy tells you
Stop taking advice on getting pregnant from doctors and nutritionists and yoga people and chiropractors and other infertile women. Start listening to the wisdom of a teenage boy. A full quarter of the teenage girls who got pregnant in the latest stats, apparently did so because their boyfriend du jour didn't want them to use any birth control.
I imagine that you and your partner have already figured out that the first thing you should do when you're trying to get pregnant is to not use birth control. (Although you just know there is some yutz somewhere saying to his wife: "Oh man! Nobody ever told us. You should probably stop taking those pills, Sue. I'll bet that's why you're not getting pregnant!")
3) Use a teenage girl's calendar
Sure, our ovulation calendars are fine for getting pregnant... the one that has blinking lights during your most fertile days...the one that counts down every hour after your period starts like the clock in Times Square on New Year's Eve... The one that plays Rod Stewart's "Tonight's The Night." But nothing beats a teenage girl's calendar.
31% of the young ladies in the study who got pregnant, thought that it wasn't possible to get pregnant "during that time". I think the issue is what exactly "during that time" means:
a) When The Voice is on?
b) When I have sex with a guy I don't really like?
c) When the sun is up?
d) When I'm drunk?
e) After eating Taco Bell?
So maybe we should all shred our calendars and burn our ovulation kits and learn something from those who clearly know more than we do about getting pregnant.
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