Happy: 'Thank You for not Being a Schmuck' Day

homer simpsonI want to thank Bianca Smith for putting this post of mine on her wonderful "Where's My Stork?" blog.  http://www.wheresmystork.com/?s=Lori#popup   If you missed it there, here it is here. 

My father lived by himself in a retirement community in Florida among a lot of couples. I noticed that just about all of the people he was friends with were women. I asked him about it once: "Well," he said. "...the wives are all very nice... but their husbands are a bunch of schmucks."

So this week, while we may not be in a position to, or at all interested in, celebrating Father's Day this year, I propose an alternate holiday:

Happy: 'Thank You for Not Being a Schmuck' Day -and the "day" runs all week. (Feel free to run it all year if you like.)

Your spouse/partner/husband--whatever he is-- probably does some things that irritate you. That's normal, of course. And yet, even with those small annoyances, minor aggravations and colossal pet peeves that drive you up a fkn wall... He's the one, the only one, you've hand-picked to have calendar-induced copulation with and to sire your future children. You know you wouldn't have your eggs in a freezer, snuggling together for warmth with anyone else's sperm.

So he's not perfect...

I would have to say that all of the stereotypical bad habits that we accuse most men of having... well, that's pretty much me.

I watch every ballgame I can and argue every play with the TV. I have road rage. I easily fit curse words in as nouns, verbs or adjectives in any sentence. I scratch whatever itches no matter where I am or who is looking.

Some couples have problems in the bedroom. We have problems in the kitchen.

He doesn't like the way I rinse stuff off. I rinse it off so it looks fine to me... but not to him. Then if I rinse it off enough, I shouldn't have left it in the sink. Clearly, it should have been transferred into the dishwasher. If the dishwasher has clean dishes in it, apparently that's my cue to empty it out. I'm aware that we usually have clean dishes in the cabinets. I just never knew how they got there.

If I empty a can of tuna, I was instructed a long time ago, that proper etiquette dictates that I wash out the can and leave it in the sink until it's taken out to the recycle bin in the garage by the Recycle Fairy (closely related to the Dishwasher Fairy, I suspect.) Months ago, my husband alerted me that obviously putting water in the empty tuna can was ineffective if there wasn't also dish soap floating in there while it was in the sink waiting to be taken out to the recycle bin in the garage. Then, about a month ago, I was advised that the protocol had yet again been amended without my knowledge or consent as my husband stood over me and the sink and exhaled loudly on the back of my neck: "Why are you even soaking the can in the sink? Can't you just take it outside and throw it into the recycle bin in the garage?"

And we have further issues in the kitchen: There's the peanut butter issue. A common breakfast for me includes sticking a teaspoon into the peanut butter and eating it...and repeating this action... three times. It's not my fault: A serving size is a tablespoon. Three teaspoons equal a tablespoon. Sure I could dip one tablespoon once instead of one teaspoon three times, but I'm trying to fool myself into thinking I'm having a bigger breakfast. I've been doing this for ages. All of a sudden, after twelve years of marriage, he's going to tell me he thinks that's really disgusting? Of all the things of his I've put into my mouth in those twelve years, he thinks peanut butter is the most disgusting?

So maybe "Thank You for Not Being a Schmuck" isn't quite right. I mean, we're all schmucks sometimes. Maybe: "Thank You for not Being a Total Schmuck" is better.

Lori Shandle-Fox is a humor writer, (former stand-up comic) and infertility survivor. Her eBook: Laughing IS Conceivable: One Woman's Extremely Funny Peek into the Extremely Unfunny World of Infertility has been downloaded by thousands of infertility sufferers, their partners,  families & medical teams and reviewed on Bianca Smith's "Where's My Stork?" http://www.wheresmystork.com/?s=Lori#popup

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