If "Dear Abby" Had Been Infertile

So we just lost the beloved advice columnist "Dear Abby". She helped countless people over the decades with her (ahead of her time) open-minded approach to difficult issues and her nurturing, yet to-the-point responses. Now I, "Dear Infertile Abby", her infertile evil other twin step into her shoes for the duration of this post (and not a moment afterwards for that would clearly be a lawsuit waiting to happen.) dear abby pauline phillips"Dear Infertile Abby",

I have a one year old and a newborn who are driving me crazy. I'm exhausted and overwhelmed. I have nobody to help me. When they don't need to be changed or fed, they need to be entertained. Please please I'm desperate. What should I do??? (Sleepless in Seattle)

Dear Selfish at the Space Needle,

When you were pregnant, did you expect the babies to feed and change themselves once you had them? Did you expect Chris Rock to come over to your house every day to entertain them? I have absolutely no sympathy for you. How dare you complain publicly about the perfect life of motherhood? Go crawl in a hole and whine to yourself.

"Dear Infertile Abby"

I can't seem to stop getting pregnant. I've tried.... (Rest of letter unreadable due to sudden office fire)

"Dear Infertile Abby",

I've been trying for four years to get pregnant. I've been to several specialists and they're not sure why. My sister is having her second and my best friend her third. I know I'm probably just wrong for feeling this way...I want to be happy for them but I'm not. They want me to help pick out baby furniture and even arrange their baby showers and instead of being grateful that they want me to be part of their happy events, I feel like punching them out and never speaking to either of them ever again. Am I just being a selfish, terrible person?

(P.O'd in Peoria) Laughing IS Conceivable

Dear P.O'd,

If you feel like hitting them and cutting them out of your life, I think you should go with your gut feeling. Clearly they are only getting pregnant over and over to humiliate you and make your life miserable. The fact that they want you to be such a big part of these "joyous" events proves that they're not being much of a sister or best friend to you. I think your instincts are right. Nothing good can come out of having people in your life who keep insisting on reproducing for no apparent reason. If you need closure by assaulting them and walking away I would go with it.

"Dear Infertile Abby",

I found out that I was pregnant a few weeks ago. My boyfriend and I are thrilled about it even though it was a surprise. There are two problems: One is that technically I'm not divorced from my husband yet. The other is that my sister has been trying everything to have a baby since she got married a few years ago. I want to be happy around her but I don't want to upset her. What should I do?

(Happy & Sad in California)

Dear Kim Kardashian,

You should not be upset. Don't you realize that the rest of the world has absolutely no sympathy for filthy rich and famous people? Minor inconveniences like still being married while you're have some other daddy-baby or being infertile, seem to always magically disappear for the filthy rich and famous. So you will be fine. If you have further questions, I suggest you hire a team of psychologists or fly in the Dalai Lama for brunch at a Beverly Hills hot-spot where you will be photgraphed repeatedly.