If I KNEW I Would be Pregnant Tomorrow...

I mean if you absolutely KNEW with 100% certainty that you were going to be pregnant tomorrow and you were going to have a beautiful, glorious, carefree nine months, and a pain-free joyful delivery, you were going to give one little push and out would float a laughing baby on a bed of bubbles and all of your infertility woes would be over forever, what would you do? (It's my hybrid version of: "What would you do if you knew you only had a week to live?" and: "What would you do for a Klondike bar?")

I know a lot of women would probably thank GD first and then their doctors.

When I was in the midst of my infertility struggles, I would have done the same. I would have certainly thanked my doctors. And then maybe said one or two other things to them...that had been on my mind... and under my skin... just simmering,  just beneath the surface... smoldering you might say... festering if you like... month after month after month... Just waiting for that day... when I could dial that phone... okay... press #4 on speed dial:

"Hi Doctor Helmsley. This is Lori Shandle-Fox. So, listen, tomorrow I'll be pregnant and all is going to be perfect from now on. Never mind how I know.  So anyway, I just wanted to thank you for everything you've done for me over these past three years and just mention a couple of things: Did you know you have the coldest hands ever? I'm not kidding. Do you intentionally not wear gloves in the winter so you could warm your palms on my uterine lining? Is it like a cozy blankie in there or what? Do you have any idea how hard I had to concentrate every time I'd get on the table, assume the position, and see you coming at me with those stone cold fingers? I'd be mumbling to myself: 'Don't kick him in the eye. Don't kick him in the eye.'

Is that why you started wearing sunglasses to the exams? To fend off kickers? Or because of the fluorescent lights? I've always wondered about that. I mean, I'm assuming I have nothing 'glarey' where you're focusing your attentions. Or do you have trouble going from light to dark and back out to light again? So, anyway, all I know is, I hate those glasses. I looked up one day mid-exam and saw what I look like bottomless, in your glasses. I couldn't sleep for weeks. And another thing I really objected to during our time together:

Once a nurse came in with someone else's chart during my exam and the two of you stood there and chatted over my crotch for ten minutes. I'm sorry, maybe it's an ego thing, but when I'm lying naked from the waist down, I really feel I should be the center of attention. And of course this phone conversation that you and I are having right now is totally made up. Not because I wouldn't really say these things to you but because in three years I've never once called to talk to you and actually got you on the phone. I mean, how come every time I was in the office, there you were at the front desk looking for something or gabbing with someone not two feet away from where the phones were ringing and yet somehow whenever I called, you were never available to talk and had to call me back? I mean I know you're a busy guy. And I know all you've done for me. My insurance company has been good enough to itemize all you've done for me on a monthly statement. But I really tried to keep my calls to you at a minimum...A minimum of twice a day.

I would have mentioned these few little minor grievances earlier, like during those three years while I was coming to your office twice a week. It's just that it's always been my policy to be extra nice to anyone who, you know, uses my uterus as their hand warmer.

(Happy New Year and thanks so much for stopping by. I hope any time you need a lift from life in general and infertility in particular you'll think of Laughing IS Conceivable and realize how alone you're not. - Also, please consider taking a look at my eBook: Laughing IS Conceivable: One Woman's Extremely Funny Peek into the Extremely Unfunny World of Infertility. It's been downloaded by 1000s of infertility sufferers and professionals and has a 4.5 star rating/63 reviews if anyone cares about stars and reviews. http://laughingisconceivable.com /or click book cover above.)