I'm A Double Threat: Infertile And Uninsurable (Friday)

(Start with "Monday" if you can. I've been on pain killers all week for my bum tooth. So who knows what insane things I may have written? Of course I haven't taken anything stronger than Advil. So I guess that excuse won't carry much weight.)   So, what were we talking about? Oh right. IVF refund programs and why everyone at my clinic conveniently forgot to mention theirs to me. Oh right... because it's for people with a realistic chance of getting pregnant. Not elderly women who choose to sell their family home and move into a fertility clinic instead of an assisted living facility. (And why can't they open an IVF clinic at an assisted living facility? They have nurses.)

The best way to look at IVF refund programs: It's not only the chance to save money... It's also a big vote of confidence from your clinic...which by the way... lest we forget...is also a business.   

.... And businesses have to make money to stay in business... So if they take you into their refund program they're saying: "We're pretty sure you'll get pregnant. Because if we don't, we have to give you some money back... and nobody wants to see us do that do they?"

I've often wondered if things work the same when the shoe is on the other foot. What I mean is: I don't owe any people money. Not one person. I do however, owe a lot of businesses money: The electric company business,  the gas company business, the cable company business, the phone company business and oh yes, let me not forget my adoring fans at the credit card business(es, es, es)...So when they call, looking for their monthly handout, contribution, donation, whatever you want to call it, I lie to them, ignore them, get belligerent with them or pretend I'm not me when they call.

I'm a tad curious, I must admit. If you don't get pregnant and the fertility clinic owes you money, do they do the same thing? I mean when I call them looking for a payment, would they treat me how I would treat them? (Geez, I hope not.)

"Hi this is Lori Shandle-Fox. You guys owe me a lot of money."

"I'm sorry Mrs. Fox. Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? I can't hear you. It must be our phone. We've been having trouble with it. If you can hear me, could you please call back? Did you hear me say that? Call back. Please caaaalll baaaack."

(I call back...ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring  (you didn't think I was this patient did you?) ..answering machine picks up)

"Thank you for calling ACME fertility center. Currently we are closed. Our office hours are Monday to Friday 9AM to 9:18AM. Para hablar en espanol, presione el numero 9. If you are calling to make an appointment, please press 1. If you are calling about your refund from our IVF refund program, please press 'end', 'disconnect' or 'release' ."

Or this scenario:

"Hi this is Lori Shandle-Fox. I need Tiffany in the billing department please." 

"He no here."... click.

Or... Maybe they have a special hotline just for those awaiting refunds:

"Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. My name is Dennis. May I take your order? And would you like to try our new double dipped, hand rolled, deep dish square cheesy bread available this week only for $3.99?" 


"No ma'am. My name's David."

"You just said 'Dennis'" Isn't this Ed who collects the sperm samples? I know it's you Ed. You have a lisp and an Scottish accent. It's so totally you.  

"Excuse me Ma'am? This is Dominos"

"You said it was Pizza Hut."

"Ma'am, I have other calls. Do you or don't you want to order pizza?"

"Yeah, you can order me pizza. Put on it anything you like. We can eat it together....when I come to collect my $6,035 and 26 cents. I deducted the price of the meal. And don't worry about delivery. I'll pick it up on my way over. Feel free to tip big. I believe $6,035 and 26 cents is customary.

Listen I gotta go. So, I finally got that tooth pulled that I've been harping about practically since it was a baby tooth. Now I've got to run to the refrigerator and see what goody I can wedge into the hole.

I'll talk with ya again Monday.