I'm not a pig... I'm a slob... Well Actually...

A few weeks back, I wrote about being a pig. I can say with certainty that it's not a self-esteem issue. I look at myself objectively and say: "Wow. You really are a pig." From eating food off the floor to using the spigot in the bathroom sink as a water fountain, the evidence speaks for itself. So when someone close to me witnesses one of these actions (and I freely do almost all of them in front of people) and they mumble "Pig", I really can't be offended. It's like calling me "short". What's there to dispute? I am. By just about anybody's standards. I realized after I wrote that post that being a slob isn't exactly the same as being a pig, and I'm both.

There are women who are low maintenance. I'm no maintenance (in the beauty and hygiene categories anyway.) I shower occasionally, brush my teeth regularly, and use deodorant every morning when I remember. Everything else I can justify doing seldom to never.

1) Shaving is seasonal. If my various growths can be covered up by long sleeves and pants, I'm fine. In the winter, it's my little extra layer of furry warmth. Even in the summer: If it's not long enough to flail in the wind and scare children at the beach, it's fine. Please. There are sights on the beach way more repulsive than my infrequently shaven parts. Besides, my hair is blondish. Too light for anyone to see in the sun.

2) Brushing my hair (on my head)- I have very thick, curly hair. Brushing would just take the curl out.

3) Ironing- It'll just smooth itself out eventually during the day as I'm wearing it. Besides, I walk so fast nobody will even see the wrinkles.

4) Stained clothes- It's probably just a water spot. It'll dry as the day goes on. Or my hair will cover it. (Some hair on some part of my body is bound to cover it.) Or it's the same color as my shirt so it will just blend in. Or I'll tie a sweater around it. Or I'll just tell everyone it happened on the way to work and it was too late to change. They don't have to know I put it on that way.

5) Heels- I can't wear them. I have high arches.

Here's the thing: Women are always willing to forego comfort and convenience for beauty and sexiness. Not me.  I used to be 5'3". Somewhere in the quicksand of life, I've lost nearly an inch. If the trend continues, next year I'll be a large hood ornament. The year after that, my husband will be carrying me on his key chain. The year after that, my niece will add me to her charm bracelet. I don't care. I will not wear heels. They're uncomfortable. All of them. I'm a sneaker girl all the way. Typically on the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur, since it's a day of mourning and repentance, you don't wear leather shoes to synagogue which would be like you're celebrating, so many of us wear sneakers. Sneakers with skirts and dresses? Count me in. That's my kind of religion. It may be a day of repentance but below the ankles I'm rejoicing. (I'm sure the tradition really started thousands of years ago when a Jewish woman was schlepping through the desert in heels on her way to temple: "Oh no. I can't do this. Haven't our people suffered enough?")

6) Skirts- If I'm not going to shave, I have to do the pantyhose ballet which requires at least three deep plies to get them up and on. Perhaps I can star in a new reality show: So you think you can put on pantyhose? No. I shan't. Okay. Jeans it is.

I'm sure I don't have to tell you that I don't bother with make-up either. So if you ever hear that I was stopped by a cop for putting on make-up while I was driving, you'll know it was a clear case of mistaken identity.

You know how some women primp until they get married and then slowly let themselves decline? I  met my husband at a party where I was wearing a sweat suit, no make-up and a pony-tail with a mind of its own. He can't possibly claim he wasn't forewarned.

(And if you liked the above, please check out my Laughing IS Conceivable eBooks about 1) infertility 2) Back-to School on Amazon, Kobo, and Nook at the links below.)

Amazon: http://amazon.com/dp/B014T2DEXE (Back-to-School)

http://amazon.com/dp/B007g9X19A or click book icon to the left (Infertility)

Kobo: https://store.kobobooks.com/search?Query=Laughing+IS+Conceivable

Nook: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/laughing+is+conceivable?fs=0&_requestid=243283