In 2011 I'll Quit Cursing, Watching Football, And Eating Ice Cream (Wednesday)

Then I'll be totally unrecognizable even to myself. (Start with "Tuesday" if you can. That should be your first New Year's Resolution. #1: Read entire Laughing IS Conceivable blog post every week from beginning to end and then begin again over and over from Monday thru Friday over and over from start to finish and then begin at the beginning (geez, someone stop me. I'm getting dizzy.)

So, what were we talking about? Oh right. The possible value of New Year's Resolutions for infertility sufferers. And how we must avoid the absurd resolutions that most of us make. I think we all know the kind I'm referring to:  

"I'm going to lose weight by eating only grapefruit for two months."  Yeah let's all do it. From now until March we'll all join together and be on the diarrea diet. Instead of cycle buddies we'll all have bathroom buddies. We'll all dehydrate ourselves down to 100 pounds and pick a centrally located emergency room, perhaps in the midwest, where we can all gather to celebrate in the Spring. 

Diet is a fantastic idea, I think, for people going through infertility. No, not dieting. Eating well. You know those people who never diet and don't believe in diets? I'm one of them.

So, maybe I'm just one of those lucky bitches who never gains weight. Not even close. And to add insult to injury, I'm short and have a small frame so it's got nowhere to hide and it ain't pretty. If you're familiar with the SpongeBob show, think of Patrick. If you're not familiar, let me tell you that Patrick is a flabby starfish. There's a visual for ya.

The reason why I think "eating well" is a good New Year's Resolution is because it's one of the few things along this crappy infertility-laden path that we can actually control. I know a lot of women whose infertility-related issues are directly related to their being overweight issues.

On the one hand it sounds so easy: "Lose fifty pounds and you'll probably have no trouble getting pregnant'. On the other hand, that sounds like enormous pressure. 

Even if weight isn't your fertility issue, I think it's important to keep our minds and bodies working their best and feeling their best especially in times of stress. Infertility? Stress? Never heard those two words together in the same sentence have you? "This infertility is stressing me out!!" "I hate these damn infertility treatments! I'm soooo stressed!" Nope. Doesn't sound familiar. 

Dr. Oz has his list of diet commandments. I've got some too. Mine mean less than his. Okay, mine mean nothing. But I think they're valid anyway so I'll be discussing a few this week. See if you agree with 'em.

1) Start very small. 

Let's not do the: "I'm going to lose eighty pounds by the summer" routine. I've done it. Trust me, it's dumb. 

This is how that kind of nonsense usually plays out for me. I lose ten pounds by February, then do the double cram. First I'd cram as much crap into my mouth as possible in the Spring culminating in Memorial Day weekend barbecue hopping, then do the second half of my Pillsbury Cram-off: Diet my ass off (or any other part that's willing to be shed) in the mad dash to achieve my goal of losing those eighty pounds by summer.

Of course, I'd pretend it would be mathematically possible to achieve by the unofficial start of summer, July 4th, then re-read my resolution notes from January and realize that I never actually specified "unofficial or official start of summer", so it would be well within my resolution rights to extend my goal date to the official start of summer which, I don't need to consult a calendar, I'm pretty sure is in October. 

So instead of killing ourselves with all that rigmarole how about:

"I'll drink eight glasses of water a day. "?

Listen, I gotta go: I'm on my "may as well start my good eating habits fresh in the new year binge." Only a few days left to consume all of that half-price after Christmas, Christmas candy. Ding ding. I do believe I hear a chocolate bell calling me now.

I'll talk with ya again tomorrow.