In 2011, I'll Quit Cursing, Watching Football, & Eating Ice Cream (Thursday)

Okay, maybe not. No need to panic. (Start with "Tuesday" if you can. Especially if you've already started your New Year's Eve celebrating. Recent studies in the New England Journal of Medicine show that reading blogs over and over again can keep you from blacking out...and throwing up... Subscribing to one where you receive weekly blog updates and insider info will keep you from making a public spectacle of yourself...I do my homework.)

So, what were we talking about? Oh right. New Year's Resolutions that straddle that fine line between realistic and lofty and which make the most sense for those going through infertility.

Because feeling like you can control some aspect of this crazy infertility tornado is a great thing. Taking good care of yourself could possibly impact getting pregnant and could of course  impact the pregnancy and health of the baby. When I was going through all of this mess, I joked with an OB/GYN friend of mine: "Well, I'm already over forty so I suppose I'm what you people call 'Hi-Risk'." And he said:

"The best thing you can do for your pregnancy is to take care of yourself well before you get pregnant. I'd much rather see somebody who's forty and has been taking care of themselves than somebody who's twenty-five who's been  drinking, doing drugs, is a hundred pounds overweight and has diabetes. Now I have nine months to undo the damage they've been doing for ten years."   

So yesterday, we were discussing diet, I believe.  To recap:

New Year's Resolution Rule #1: Start small.

Focus on the steps, not the overwhelming pie in the sky result. "I want to lose three back rolls in three months: A back roll a month."  What the hell kind of resolution is that? It's not a plan. I'd just as soon say: "I'll wear tighter fitting clothes and turn my three back rolls into six." Yeah, now that's a plan. It's also a low-class version of a magic trick (performed daily by guests on "Maury".)

How about: "I'll drink eight glasses of water a day"?

"I'll eat five servings of fruits and vegetables a day"?

"I'll switch from white bread to whole grain"?

New Year's Resolution #2: Know Thyself 

Don't make any goals that sound nothing like you.

I had a friend who said "I'm going to give up fast food?"  Okay, every month for the past five years, you've eaten more than the guy in the "Supersize Me" movie. So, come January first, you're going to switch to tofu?

I'm thinking she should be monitored by a doctor. Her body could go into cardiac arrest trying to adjust. I'm pretty sure the only thing holding her parts together is the mounds and mounds of salt. If you threw water on her she'd probably go down like the Wicked Witch of the West: "I'm meeeeelting."  

I kid you not. I worked with this woman. She'd come around and take everyone's order every day for lunch. "So do you guys want Wendy's, Burger King, Arby's, McDonald's, Hardee's. or KFC?  Okay, so you want the triple cheeseburger with fries and a Sprite. Okay, that's a number "7". Yours is $4.67. "

She knew every number of every value meal and the price with tax at every drive-thru within a twelve mile radius. Why this girl knew them all cold just by consuming them and the cashiers always have to turn around and look up at the menu at least twice during your order as if they momentarily forgot where they worked, I can't tell you.  

If this chick ever gets pregnant and somehow doesn't explode from high blood pressure, it should be a fast and easy delivery. The kid will probably just slide out... I hate to refer to a woman's part as a "grease trap" but... 

The point is: If you're addicted to fast food, who's this imaginary person you think is going to give it up because the calendar changes?  Your sister eats fast food every couple of months? Ta da! You found somebody who fits that resolution. It's a small thing to her. She won't stress out. She won't suffer. She won't get down on herself for failing. 

Please come back over tomorrow when we go into some thoughts to help the fast food addicts among us in the new year: I can't be the only one. I mean nobody likes to admit they eat that delicious crap all the time...and yet...during the great economic recession... how many McDonald's have you seen go out of business? I can count the ones I know on no hands.

Listen I gotta go. Time to order lunch. Only two days left in the Great Binge-off.

I'll talk with ya again tomorrow.