"Infertile, Bitter, & Proud" (Thursday)

So, what were we talking about? Oh right. Revenge of the Infertiles. Payback for Mother's Day. The motto this week is: "Payback is a Bitch...Speaking of which..." This week we're discussing women (or, tearing them apart, if you'd rather) who perhaps have children quite easily, who may or may not make ideal mothers...You decide.

(Start with Monday's post if you'd like to see more mothers we've stomped on this week...The beverage of choice all week is definitely "sour grapes"...gallons-ful...welcome to my whinery.)

"Mother Suzie Cream Cheese"

I love the perfect mommies. I've waited to chat about perfect mommies until the end of the week so I could possibly cool my anger about them before writing. So, since Monday, I've run 12 miles, done six hours of yoga, and engaged in extensive hubby-loving... Oh well, I tried.

These are the psycho mommies (I wish I could do the voice for you now because they all sound the same) whom you see in the park. They're absolutely perfect. They make all their own baby food, breast feed until the child is twelve, home school until he's an astronaut, and according to my sister (and I think she's onto something) drink heavily before they get to the park. (Which, in hindsight makes the breast-feeding choice questionable)

They "good job!" their kids to death. He gets on the swing without hanging himself: "Good job!". He eats his homemade vegetarian quiche at the picnic bench without throwing up. "Good job!" He picks his nose and wipes it on the table instead of on her: "Good job!" (If he'd wiped it on her I would have yelled: "Good job!")

Her only friends are other "perfect mommies". She has no interests that don't revolve around junior (including her husband...until it's time to try for a sibling for junior).

My biggest issue is (well on this subject anyway--I wouldn't say it's my biggest issue overall) is that these women talk like a happy peppy morning show host to your face and then stab you in the nape of your neck when you turn around. (Who knows, maybe that's how Kelly Ripa is too.)

So, worse than being "Perfect Mommy", they're also "Mommy-Two Faces" 

Friendly Face faces you, while Nasty Face mumbles behind your back. We were at a street fair the other day. This booth had a bean-bag toss game for kids to play.

A mother was trying to corral her group of young kids who kept stepping on the game board and apologized to the woman working at the booth:

"I'm sorry. It's hard for me to keep control of them today."

And the woman at the booth said with a big smile on her face, friendly and understanding as she could be: "Oh, I just don't know how you do it."

Then she turned to a boy of about ten, presumably her son, and said through clenched teeth: "Make sure they don't step on the game!" 

And my husband, who apparently has been hanging around me too long overheard this and said: "Passive-aggressive bitch."

Listen, I gotta go. My sister came to visit last night and I probably should go downstairs and let her in at some point.

I'll talk to ya again tomorrow.