Infertility Alternatives to Last Week's Infertility Alternatives (Tuesday)

(Start with Monday if you can. And please do check out the brand spanking new fab "Health Experts" feature at the top. Not there. To the right. Where are you looking? I said to the right. You have absolutely no control over your cursor do you?)  So what were we talking about? Oh right. Opening our minds to alternative professionals and treatments to unhinge this infertility monkey from our backs... speaking of backs...have you been to your friendly neighborhood chiropractor lately? I have. And I'm not welcome back.

I'll be honest. I'm not a fan of chiropractors. I always think they're up to no good. And the bad thing is:

If you don't trust them, they'll feel it in your spine. The next thing you know they'll give you a twist and you'll be seeing stars and the mole in the small of your back at the same time.

One chiropractor that I went to had a table that made a crashing noise every time he adjusted me. He's telling me to breathe and I'm thinking "Oh, crap, that was probably my hip hitting the floor."

Then I went to one who had a sign outside above the door frame for all passersby to see: "ENTER HERE AND GET WELL".

You couldn't detect the fine print that followed from the street. I believe the full sign actually read: "ENTER HERE AND GET WELL until your insurance runs out. Then don't let the door hit you in the ass." 

So then I had to find another chiropractor to fix my subluxation as a result of being hit in the ass by a swinging door.  

This one walked like you would expect a chiropractor to walk: Perfectly erect. Like she'd inserted a five feet two inch number two pencil in her backside every morning while brushing her teeth. 

Dr. Pencil Puppet is the head lunch lady at the chiropractic cafeteria where everything is a la carte. 

When you start going for treatments, they tell you that each visit includes heat treatment, a vibrating massage something or other, and an adjustment.   Then you get the statement from your insurance carrier:

Heat treatment: $45

Massage  something or other: $62

Adjustment: $65 

The ten extra minutes you were left alone in the dark on the massage thing because the technician forgot about you: Meditation Fee: $23

Video ads for themselves on every wall in the waiting room:

Entertainment Fee: $15

Greeting by receptionist: Concierge Fee: $20

Apples in the bowl on the counter: Fruit Fee: $3

And miraculously, although not surprisingly, my insurance company notified me that I had maxed out my visits that very same day that Dr. Pencil Puppet declared me to be cured.

I must note that I did have one wonderful chiropractor along the way who with his wife, oddly enough, were dealing with major fertility issues.

From everything I've read, chiropractors cannot fix your infertility, per se. However, if there's any chance your infertility may be related to anything fallopian tube-related, they may be able to adjust you so that the nerves that send the messages from the brain to the ovaries and tubes are put back in order.    

In that case, you're not being zapped into getting pregnant. Your body is being realigned to get back on track. Doesn't sound bad.

Still, why couldn't one chiropractor ever be honest with me?

"Lori, you idiot, you don't need a chiropractor. You need a breast reduction! That's why you have neck and back problems! Have you no mirrors in your house, woman?! They're huge! For crying out loud: Take your stinkin' chiropractor co-pays and go pay somebody to nip and tuck your tatas!"   

Listen I gotta go. I've got to go the mall. Macy's Lady's Intimate Apparel department is having a huge back-to-school sale on underwire tata covers.

I'll talk with ya again tomorrow