I thought it would be nice to bid a fond farewell to Halloween 2016 with a few Infertility Horror Stories... spooky, spooky, stories. (Not real infertility horror stories... I mean, come on. Who needs more of those? And it's a humor blog for crying out loud.) My biggest Halloween scare this year was at Walmart. I was in there on Halloween, trying to get to the Halloween candy and had to maneuver around an employee and his crotch that were up on a ladder putting up posters with elves and candy canes.
So now, assuming you can get that image out of your head... Everyone gather in a circle, turn off the lights, get those smoke machines going, and those flashlights under your chins...(Flashlights, not buttercups...nobody cares who likes butter right now.) ...And let the infertility horror stories begin.
Read on... if you daaaaare.
Infertility Horror Stories Exhibit A: "The Vanishing Fertility Patient"
"Ooooooooooh there was this woman who lived alone with her husband in the house at the end of a dead end street. It was the one with the broken street light with the jagged edges that nobody ever replaced. The house was always drafty and the boards on the porch creaked when it rained.
Well this woman, legend has it, couldn't afford her fertility treatments. So one cold and stormy night, about 3 AM, under the cloak of darkness, she and her husband packed up and moved to Ontario Canada where the treatments were covered...and they were never heard from again.
But they say that every Halloween, to this day, when it's a full moon and the wind is blowing from the North, the sound of a woman's fingernails scraping on the door of the very same fertility clinic that woman used to go to in the U.S. can be heard...along with the faint cries of a woman's voice: 'I don't get paid until the 15th! I promise I'm good for it. What the hell's wrong with you people?!'"
Infertility Horror Stories Exhibit B: "The Tale of the Odd Triplet"
"Oooooooooooh years ago, in the old country, there was a woman whose sister went through fertility treatments. Suddenly she got pregnant and had triplets...
And as the children grew, everybody said there was something not quite right about them.
One of them...as the story goes... was ambidextrous...
One was... a red head...
And the other one...nobody ever saw...
People say she never went out. And when she did... she didn't speak... And she never looked anyone in the eye. Some say she had those eyes that look right through you. Some say she had no eyeballs.
They say she might have been deranged...or possessed... or from another world...
Last anyone heard, she'd married, moved to the suburbs, and joined a reality show on Bravo... No one will ever know the real story of who she is, where she came from, whatever happened to her original nose, or why people find her the least bit entertaining.
Infertility Horror Stories Exhibit C: "The Old Yenta & Her Sink Full of Knives"
"Ooooooooooh there was this couple who went to his mother's house for every birthday, every anniversary, and every holiday-major and minor alike. And every time they were there his mother asked them:
'When are you going to have a baby?' 'When am I going to be a grandma?'
Month after month, holiday after holiday, the old woman badgered and bothered and tormented them:
'Why isn't she pregnant yet?' 'Why don't you want me to have grandchildren like all of my friends have?'
Finally the couple could take no more. They had had enough. That Halloween was the last Halloween they would ever spend with that kvetchy old lady.
That evening, it was late...after midnight. Technically not Halloween anymore but that didn't matter to the couple. They were still filled with all of the evil that the spirit of Halloween seems to bring. That evening, they were in the kitchen watching the old broad clean up.
One by one, she washed the plates, and the forks... and the knives. There she was, washing...at the sink...those knives...with her back to the couple as she continued to torment them:
"You know, my sister-your Aunt Tilly- has four grandchildren...and her daughter got married after you did."
That was all the couple had to hear. All of those days, weeks, months, and years of torture at the mouth of this old bitty came rushing back...all of those words...mounting up, building up over time... They were awash with her words.
While she stood at her sink, her back to them, washing those knives, the couple snuck out of the kitchen and out the front door into the frigid, Halloween night, mumbling to each other: "Who needs this s%&t?"... and never returned."
(Thanks so much for stopping by! I hope you feel just a little bit better than you did when you got here. Please consider signing on to my "every-other-month" newsletter & checking out my eBook: Laughing IS Conceivable: One Woman's Extremely Funny Peek into the Extremely Unfunny World of Infertility.) http://laughingisconceivable.com