(Start with Monday if you can. If you do, I promise not to make you read another word of mine all week end.) So, what were we talking about? Oh right. A woman, in an online article was explaining IVF to the uninitiated. It was a very interesting article I thought... Until she started viciously attacking me where I live.The article from yesterday's post went like this:
"Many of today's couples trying to conceive may not have been born when the first successful in vitro fertilization (IVF) produced a healthy baby."
Okay, so when Louise Brown, the first "test tube baby", was born in England in 1978, I was in junior high. So, what can I say to the author woman to woman, writer to writer? Obviously: "Thanks a lot. Screw you."
My age gets a further kick in the dentures later on in the piece:
"Couples using in vitro fertilization should be healthy, and under the age of 35 years"
I agree. They should be. We, however, couldn't even see 35 in our rear view mirror when we began IVF. And as for healthy...Yeah, we were pretty healthy... for elderly people. (You know in the mall or the park when you see a cute old couple holding hands? And you think how sweet they look? That's us.)
Okay, so that article gave me one day of agita and a few moments of trauma and then being the mature sort I am, I forgave it and moved on.
Only to check out the next doozy of a headline to come down the pike. This one from healthland.time.com.
"Why Its Harder for Older Women to Have Healthy Babies"
Talk about coming right to the point. Kick a cougar when she's down why don't ya?
"As women reach their mid- to late-30s and hit 40, they are at greater risk of having chromosomal problems in their eggs — known in scientific terms as maternal age–associated aneuploidy."
Oh wow. It has this hefty medical term. Why not call it what it is?: "Old Fartess Syndrome" . I guess doctors would be reluctant to put that specialty on their website.
Okay so according to this article, by the time I went through IVF at age 41, if I ever managed somehow to get pregnant, thanks to my endlessly deteriorating chromosomes, there were pretty good odds that I'd give birth to an 8 pound ten ounce elbow.
Great. I'd get to know the joy of bouncing my baby elbow on my knee.
My life would forever be a series of awkward conversations. Graduating from: "So, why are you waiting so long to have a baby?" and straight into "I love your child's sleeve. Wherever did you find it?"
A bending elbow. What can he hope to be when he grows up? An alcoholic I suppose.
The masochistic in me decided to read on:
Of all of the three letter combinations in the English language, they had to put those together in the exact same sequence as the American Medical Association? I could see where it might cause some confusion.
"We've been so busy lately and still the clinic is losing money. It's all of those professional courtesy discounts we're giving to our AMA patients. For some reason a slew of doctors have been coming in for treatments lately. What dumb luck!"
I feel quite confident that, no matter how old I was, "AMA" was not written in bold letters across my chart. There was no room for it what with: "TROUBLE" "PAIN IN THE A.." "WHINER" "HMP (High Maintenance Patient), and PELGHPSWCFGROH! ("Please everyone, let's get her pregnant so we can finally get rid of her!") running across my file like the stock market ticker on CNN.
Listen, I gotta go. I can't wait to get started on my new anti-aging program. I'm going to get on a plane and fly west for the rest of my life.
Even if I ditch the project when I get to California, I'll still be three hours younger... I think.
Check out the featured article in Health Experts this week: Counselor Tracy Birkinbine discusses how men and women handle infertility differently. They do? I never even thought to ask my husband. http://laughingisconceivable.com/?page_id=642
I'll talk with ya again on Monday.