So what were we talking about? Oh right. What's going on in the world of infertility news. Perhaps you've read about the two guys in England who were just convicted of selling sperm without a license. Okay, so upon reading only the headlines, I'm picturing these guys setting up a concession stand outside of rugby matches- imagining that they also peddle chin hair and phlegm across from Big Ben because they know that tourists will buy anything.
Then I read in the UK tabloids that they were running the operation out of their basement. So now I'm envisioning two guys in a basement apartment, a regular den or, as it were, cellar of iniquity: Shooting up heroin in one corner, expressing their love ade in another.
Desperate-to-get-pregnant women waiting in the shadows, wave a few hundred pounds sterling at the basement window and whisper in a disguised voice: "I'll take a pint." And, three minutes into the romance, it's over.
So then the newspaper finally explains that, yes the business was run from the basement: The computer in the basement. Now I got the picture.
Apparently there is an extreme shortage of sperm donors in the UK so women who need one and can't wait the estimated eight years via approved donor channels, have been opting for online short-cuts.
I'll be honest, now that I think I understand what it's all about, I'm more confused than ever. Let's assess what we have here: A guy who could use a few extra bucks. A lot of unanalyzed, free-floating sperm. And an intelligent, sensible, hard-working professional woman who suddenly shoves her common sense somewhere unspeakable.
Would you go for a walk in the dark woods with a total stranger?
Would you get into a car with a total stranger?
Would you invite a total stranger into your house?
Would you create a baby with a total stranger? I guess so.
At real sperm banks somebody kicks this guys tires, looks under the hood, checks his fluids. I feel terrible that these women feel they're best chance to get pregnant is to accept some online person's sperm and even worse, his word.
And what exactly is this person's incentive to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? He' a semen salesman. In a classroom jam-packed with hundreds of other hopefuls, he's raising his hand and jumping up and down: "Pick mine! Pick mine!" What might he divulge that would be vital information to a prospective recipient?
"Hi I'm Dave. My grandfathers are both alcoholics. I'm blind in one eye but it's probably not from the untreated syphilis. True, my brother has murdered a few people but doctors don't believe his specific type of psycopathy to be genetic."
On these sites you can seek out men who are interested in completing the transaction the same way you do: Either you meet in person or you don't etc...
Some men on the sites state that they're only interested in "natural insemination." I really wanted to believe that meant they drink herbal tea in a yoga pose before letting it rip into a cup.
But no. "Natural Insemination" typed into one of these profiles is the beautiful, bohemian, euphemistic way of the man telling you that he's a pig.
That's right. "Natural insemination" on a sperm-site means: "Getting it on"
How nice. You're there in good faith looking for a man who can biologically father your child and he's just a Lay-man looking to inject you with the fruits of his Lay-bor.
Welcome to the 21 century's answer to the singles' bar.
Listen, I gotta go. I just really need to bathe. Let's all bathe.
Catch up, if you can, with this week's Health Expert: Counselor Tracy Birkinbine, as she discusses: Infertility Feelings and Emotions: The Differences Between Women and Men.
I'll talk with ya again tomorrow.