Infertility... Oh the Guilt

We've all got something to deal with. With me, it's that I'm pretty old. And most likely that's solely to blame for my fertility issues: My eggs were apparently even older than I was. Even though I got married and started trying to get pregnant at 39 1/2 +, I still felt pretty spry. Come to find out my ova were sitting down there rocking away in my ovaries wearing shawls and bifocals just waiting for the white truck to drive up to the front porch and cart them away to the nursing home for the reproductively shriveled. I'll be honest: I never understood my age. Year after year I see it written on paper at the doctor's office and I still feel like: "Who are they talking about?"

I know there are worse explanations for a diagnosis of infertility than: "Old Fart" but I just couldn't accept it. People always told me I looked younger than I was. I always exercised and kept in fair shape not to mention that I've always prided myself on being immature. I play hopscotch on a regular basis and go to the playground for the twisty slide. (I'm sure my picture's displayed prominently on some parent watch website with red flashing exclamation points around it.) So how dare my eggs wither away into Pixie Stix dust?

Artists, if I may be so bold as to refer to myself as such, just tend to be that way. Our hearts and souls stay young while the rest of us rusts from the inside out. Every time I see on TV,the Rolling Stones in a recent concert, and there's Mick Jagger leaping all around the stage I'm saying to myself, "He's going to wake up tomorrow morning (or afternoon) aching from head to toe and the first thought in his head will be: 'What the f was I thinking?' (If you've now paused to ask yourself who Mick Jagger is, please just log out. I'm already depressed enough.)

Infertility may keep you from breeding but it breeds plenty itself: Plenty of guilt, blame, anger...whether you admit it aloud or just keep it quietly tucked between your third rib and your lung.

"It's his fault I can't get pregnant. If I'd married someone else, I'd have kids I'm sure."

"It's my fault I can't get pregnant. If I wasn't so skinny... such a ho' stressed out... If I didn't have endometriosis, or PCOS...or long cycles...long eye lashes...short cycles or a short temper...if only I'd known sooner that I didn't ovulate... Right...

And as one of my favorite expressions goes: "And if grandma had balls she'd be grandpa."

Of course if I had met my husband a decade earlier, I might have married him a decade earlier. Or maybe I could have married somebody else before my eggs turned into papier mache. Or just did a guy for his sperm. That's romantic. Done the deed, got impregnated, wiped up and went home. Yeah, that would have been better. I could have hooked up with a loser so I wouldn't have to go through IVF. Sounds like a solid plan. I could've named the child Baby Booty Call.

But that's how human nature is sometimes. And that's definitely how woman nature is sometimes. Blame and guilt. Guilt and blame. "Unexplained Infertility" is probably the worst. That's definitely our fault.

"I'm so screwed up, nobody can even explain why I can't get pregnant. Fertility Experts from around the world, doctors who've won the Nobel Prize for Infertility, people who have won Tony Awards for 'Infertility the Musical'... the greatest minds in Reproductive Endocrinology can't figure out what's wrong with me...It MUST be my fault."

And of course the point is: What's the point? How does endless stirring of the self-pity pot help this whole pregnancy trek? Next time you're about to blame yourself or someone else for your infertility issues, just remember what they used to say on TV way back when this old lady was young, when the show you were watching came on with just the picture but no sound, the explanation was: "Due to Technical Difficulties Beyond Our Control..."

And if you'd like to hear more of my ramblings, (look to your right) please consider subscribing to this blog and/or purchasing my new ebook about my infertility travels: Laughing IS Conceivable: One Woman's Extremely Funny Peek into the Extremely Unfunny World of Infertility. (More Reviews and excerpts from the book available at Laughing IS Conceivable)