(Start with "Monday" if you can. We turned the clocks ahead this week. So if you read Monday on Thursday it will actually be Tuesday afternoon when you finish.) So, what were we talking about? Oh right. How I never really caught on to the whole changing clocks thing and don't get why you Spring ahead when you lose sleep and Fall back when you gain sleep. And besides that hour of sleep that I'll never get back, we've been pondering all of those wonderfully wasted infertility-related hours of our lives that we'd all like to have back. Yeah one of my many IUI's comes to my mind...A few of my other body parts remember it vividly as well.
So I went in for my first IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). I had expected a doctor to be there. If I go to get my haircut, I expect a hair stylist to be there. If I go to a check-out line, I expect a cashier to be there. So I guess going to a doctor to get the most important procedure of my life done, I naively thought there'd be a doctor there. But there was a nurse... and she wasn't alone. She had proteges with her. Students...Insemination wannabes.
The nurse asked me if it was okay if they observed. (Good choice of words I think. "Observed" made them sound like students. "Is it okay if they "watched " would have made them sound like perverts.)
I took it as a rhetorical question anyway. I was lying naked from the hospital gown down in the shape of a taco shell, wishing I had put sun screen on the bottoms of my feet as I could feel them getting tanned by the fluorescent lights above. So I wasn't, literally, in any position to object. I also didn't care. Whatever dignity I had left was rolled up in a ball on the chair by the door with my socks and underwear.
So the insemination starts and I admit, it wasn't quite as romantic as the old-fashioned way. Three people: A nurse whom I barely knew and two total strangers (although one looked vaguely familiar. I'm pretty sure a few weeks earlier she was the Temp receptionist), are all crouched down at the foot of the examination table like it's Spring training and they're all trying to win the job as starting catcher.
As the nurse went ahead with the procedure, they all squinted into my cervix. You know how hard it is for your eyes to adjust going from light to dark. Being from NYC, the only image I could conjure was peering into the tunnel waiting for the subway to come.
All in all, it was one hour of my infertility life that I'd like to have back.
Listen, I gotta go. It's St Patrick's Day and I've fallen way behind on the festivities. I usually start celebrating around 7 AM. No, I don't drink. I eat all of the green M & M's within a twelve mile radius.
I'll talk with ya again tomorrow.