Infertility Rules. And clearly I'm talking noun not verb. Obviously, "Infertility Rules!" would be both obnoxious and ridiculous. For most of us, infertility feels so unfair and frustrating. One reason is because most of us grew up with a set of rules and stinking infertility doesn't play by them.
"Be a good person"
I'm polite, I'm friendly, I escort bugs outside of my house to safety, I donate clothes to charity and don't take a receipt and yet I can't get pregnant. There are loads of mean, nasty, hateful, rude, lying, bug killing, cheating, spiteful, law-breaking, receipt-taking women getting knocked up left and right. What the hell's going on here?
"Eat well and exercise."
Okay, so I didn't start eating vegetables until I was 26. (25 if you count V-8 juice.) But I've been pretty good since then. And I'm a runner. I don't smoke anything. I don't drink. I'm probably one of the healthiest infertile people you'll ever know. But does infertility care? Nooooo. Pregnancy cares. But infertility couldn't give a crap. I worked with a woman who ate fast food for lunch (and sometimes breakfast) every single day two years before she got pregnant, the year before she got pregnant, the year she got pregnant and during the whole pregnancy. I told her that when it was time to give birth that baby was just going to fly out of her on a river of grease like she was a water slide.
Infertility Rules (Still not a Verb)
- You can't get pregnant because you don't weigh enough.
- You can't can't get pregnant because you weigh too much.
- If you take this antibiotic for your throat infection, it will definitely clear it up. But if you take this pill and those shots, you won't definitely get pregnant.
- If you go to school every day and do everything you're supposed to, you'll graduate in four years. But if you go through fertility treatments for five years and do everything you're supposed to, you might have a baby in six years... Or not.
Applying Infertility Rules Elsewhere in our Lives
Can you imagine if we tried to apply infertility rules to other parts of our lives? People would think we're nuts.
"If I give you $40,000 for IVF, will you guarantee that I'll get pregnant?" "Sorry, I can't."
"If I give you $40,000 for that brand new car, will you guarantee that it will start?" "Uh... Yeah. What?"
Infertility's Cruelest Rule-- The Glorious Two Week Wait
In the IVF office: "I just did my embryo transfer, can you tell me before I leave the office if I'm pregnant?" "Uh... No... What?"
Every other single place in the world:
"Here-- Scratch off this instant lottery ticket and give it to me. Come back in two weeks and I'll tell you if you won anything."
"And the Final Jeopardy! question IS: 'The first settlers in the New World ate this for breakfast."...(cue Final Jeopardy! music) "That's all for tonight ladies and gentlemen. Be sure to tune in again in two weeks when we reveal the answer."
"What do you feel like having for dinner?" "I'll let you know in two weeks."
"Thanks for the birthday present. Call me in two weeks, and I'll tell you if I like it."
"I've been reading this murder mystery for a month. I can't wait until two weeks from now when I read the last three pages."
"Thanks for the lovely marriage proposal. I'll give you my answer in two weeks."
Infertility rules are just stupid.
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