Infertility Sinners Repent!

This is a new year for me. Most of the world has one new year a year. Jewish people have two. Call it a do-over. Call it a safety net in case we screw up one new year, we have a second one stashed in our back pocket nine months down the road. Call it a loophole. Either way, we have a handy ritual at this time of year which I think would be invaluable to infertility folk. Every year after Rosh Hashana services, we all head down to a body of water with bread, do some prayers, think about all the bad things we've done in the past year since last we hurled our bread, and throw our sins (in the form of whole wheat and rye) into the water. It's a very productive afternoon. We're re-purposing bread scraps, feeding the ducks, and cleansing our souls in one fell swoop. When I lived in NYC, a whole congregation would make the yearly pilgrimage to the waterfront. This year, living in the South, my husband and I did our solemn prayers and tossed our bread into the sacred lake while a local and his dog played frisbee. I suspect that most of us who have gone down the infertility road have some sins they'd like to toss. So grab a loaf, find any body of water: a lake, a river, an oversized puddle, and warm up your pitching arm.

1) For the sin of driving myself crazy. 2) For the sin of driving my husband crazy. 3) For the sin of driving my mother crazy...(wait can I have that one back?) 4) For the sin of watching The Real Housewives of Orange County during "only doin' it 'cause I'm trying-to-get pregnant" sex. 5) For the sin of talking to my girlfriend on the phone about The Real Housewives of Orange County during "for reproductive purposes only" sex. 6) For the sin of being jealous of my friend and wishing her baby was mine... only a lot cuter....which she would be... because we're a lot cuter than they are. 7) For the sin of thinking my friend's baby isn't cute even though she isn't. 8) For the sin of fantasizing, every time I go for blood tests and get that one surly nurse, that someone will bump into her, hurling the syringe into mid-air with it coming to rest in the nape of her neck. 9) For the sin of wanting to set myself on fire in the examining room just to keep warm in my paper gown and sheet ensemble. 10) For the sin of privately wishing I could tell my mother-in-law to shut the f up every hour on the hour. (Okay, this one isn't really infertility-related) 11) For the sin of slipping a gay porn magazine in among the Family Circle's and Men's Healths in my doctor's waiting room just so I could amuse myself by reading strangers' faces instead of periodicals from 2012. 12) For the sin of lying to my coworkers about my fertility issues. 13) For the sin of saying "Mind Your Own Business" to the coworkers I don't respect enough to just lie to. 14) For the sin of saying "Shut the F up" to the coworkers I don't respect enough to just say "Mind Your Own Business" to. 15) For the sin of wanting to travel to all the domestic and foreign lands my insurance company has outsourced their customer service jobs to for the sole purpose of updating my contact information which they seemed to know well when I owed them money, then suddenly all had a collective stroke when I put in an IVF claim and couldn't remember how to return a phone call or email . 16) For the sin of peddling my little ebook ($2.99 or Free at Kindle Library to anyone unlucky enough to be within earshot or reading distance.