Infertility, Vacations & Other Stressful Events (Wednesday)

(Start with "Tuesday" if you can. I've been on vacation for the past week but my tortured soul is still typing. And if it's entertaining at all to you, consider subscribing. You'll receive a free weekly newsletter of sorts that gives some inside details of each week's posts.)      So, what were we talking about? Oh right. The dozens of well-meaning do-gooders in our infertile lives who try to cure us by sending us on a vacation. They're a triple threat:  psychologist, reproductive endocrinologist and travel agent all rolled into one, operating without a license to advise us in any one of those areas.

Have there been studies to corroborate this: "Go on vacation and you'll get pregnant" theory? Is this one of those things that doctors don't want us to know about? Has there been an infomercial on this? I mean millions of doctors would be out of business if word ever got out that all we needed to do to conceive was lie on a beach in Cancun sandwiched between their warm sand and our warm man.

What's the secret? Is it the grains of sand in our swimsuit bottoms that survive ten showers and linger in our bodily crevices for a month? ("Wow, I can't believe I'm still finding sand in there. I haven't been at the beach since Memorial Day.") Is it the exposure to the sun? Maybe it's easier to conceive because the focus is taken off our fertility problems once we get a good melanoma going.    

And that's another issue I have. (Add it to my list, will ya?) This week in Florida, I indeed went to the beach. You're not allowed to bring pets, fish without a permit, sell anything on the beach, or bring alcoholic beverages. Is there not a way to restrict bathing suit choice?

Personally I would probably never choose a bikini for myself. I'm too top heavy. I know that sounds strange, but when you're older and top heavy and it's your natural top as opposed to a surgically created one, gravity sets in and your top becomes your middle. I just feel that if the top half of your bikini ends up, after as much hoisting as possible, only three inches above the bottom half of your bikini, you need to make a different bathing suit choice...for everyone's sake.

Then there are the women who have their top covered with the suit and their bottom covered with the suit and refuse to recognize that there's seventy pounds of macaroni and cheese in between that neither half is willing to claim.

I'll say but one quick note about men's speedos. No. Don't. I beg you. If you have a nice body, you come off as a narcissistic jerk. If you don't have a nice body, you are a nightmare virus. We have nightmares for weeks, then go home and tell our girlfriends who have nightmares for weeks and so on and so on. Until your dream has come true: Your body has kept women awake around the world.... Just not in the way you had hoped.

But I definitely believe that taking a walk on the beach during infertility/treatments is an exceptionally good idea. It's extremely therapeutic. You can't help but let the stress go: The feel of your toes being massaged by the sand, the sound of the waves, the smell of the ocean. Any beach will do. It doesn't have to be hundreds of miles or thousands of dollars away.  It just has to be in a good area. It's not very relaxing if the couple in front of you just got mugged.

The beach is especially beautiful, I think, at night. It's more romantic and well...nobody has to see what anybody looks like at the beach.

Listen, I gotta go. We're heading back home in the wee hours. It's a long drive. We hate to miss the complimentary continental breakfast, but passing it up is the least we can do since we're using the cloak of darkness to skip out on the hotel bill.

I'll talk with ya again tomorrow.