It's a Wonder Anyone Ever Gets Pregnant

(My Ebook, reviews etc. available by clicking button to the right or at $2.99 or Free at Kindle Library. Good on all Kindles and iPads, SmartPhones w/Free Kindle App) So sometimes I'm looking for some light reading material just to pass the time while I'm eating my lunch and like most normal women, the first place I head is the American Society for Reproductive Medicine website. I admit, maybe I was a little naive about how a baby really was made. I always thought you just went to a club, yelled a conversation over the music then married the guy, turned on a Barry White tune and started buying little pink or blue clothes several months later. Well, that's what I took from high school Health class anyway.

According to ASRM (please don't make me type out the whole name of that group again) this isn't the case at all. Not only isn't the whole conception thing that simple, apparently acohol and mood music aren't even part of it. Who knew?

No wonder so many people can't get pregnant. Forget about us screwed up infertile folk. Apparently conception is complicated under the best of circumstances. This is how it all goes according to the ASRM with some of my commentary which will undoubtedly be easy to identify. Here goes the scoop:

First you do the deed. (Probably not the medical term) preferably during ovulation time which is easy to spot. It's the week when you're achy, irritable and least want to be touched under any circumstances. The mating ritual usual starts with your husband unwrapping you from your oversized comfy pink robe that gives you that sexy "rolled in insulation" look.

Ovulation is a complex event controlled by the pituitary gland, which is located at the base of the brain. So this is the time to touch your honey, which for him is usually a simple event controlled by his fly.

The pituitary gland releases follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH), which stimulates follicles in one of the ovaries to begin growing. The follicle produces the hormone estrogen and contains a maturing egg. When an egg is mature, (presumably when it stops bringing up stuff that happened 3 years ago during an argument) the pituitary gland sends a surge of luteinizing hormone (LH) that causes the follicle to rupture and release (ovulate) a mature egg. (Presumably an egg that doesn't wave at every blow-up Santa it drives past during the holidays like I do. Clearly I'm not a mature egg) Following ovulation, the egg is picked up by one of the fallopian tubes. (I'm picturing that cranking game in the lobby of the movie theater where you try to win a stuffed animal by snatching it up with the giant claw.)

Since fertilization usually takes place inside the fallopian tube, the man’s sperm must be capable of swimming through the vagina and cervical mucus, up the cervical canal into the uterus, and up into the fallopian tube, where it must penetrate the egg in order to fertilize it. This perchance is the problem. My husband swims with his head out of the water like an old lady who's just been to the beauty parlor and doesn't want to get her hair wet. Oh, and am I the only one that cringes at the mention of "mucus"?

The fertilized egg continues traveling to the uterus and implants in the uterine lining, where it continues to develop.

Geez, who knew it took all that just to get pregnant? You may as well take some pills, stick a needle in your butt and call it a day.

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