It's Infertility, Charlie Brown!

As an annual tradition, I post the following at this time of year. Readers seem to enjoy it and it gives me a chance to recover from my Halloween candy hangover. (Ebook info to the right. Reviews there + more reviews & chapter excerpts by clicking on book icon at www.amazon.com/dp/B007G9X19A)

Okay, now I've done it. I've never hidden the fact that I love the autumn and every corny thing associated with it: Football (not the least bit corny), Macy's parade (cool with many corny parts), fall foliage.

So in the past few weeks, I've written about going through infertility later in life ("The Autumn of My Fertility") and spooky infertility stories for Halloween.

I can't see what could possibly be left to write about that's autumn-related except, of course for the obvious: Charlie Brown.

This long lost Charles Schulz classic, "It's Infertility Charlie Brown!" was shown on TV for years in between the Halloween and Thanksgiving specials.

I'm not ridiculous enough to suggest that Lucy Van Pelt grew up and battled infertility. With her stank attitude, likely the only men who would even talk to her would be a chiropractor or an orthopedist treating Charlie Brown for ailments caused by decades of her pulling away that damn football. (Then again there are lots of men who seem to adore crabby women: Have you seen "Bridezillas?").

Here's the episode in its entirety. It takes place in the classroom. Hope I don't give anybody a Peanuts allergy. (ar ar ar):

I present to you: "It's Infertility Charlie Brown!"

Teacher: Today, boys and girls we are going to be discussing "Infertility". (Of course all the viewer hears is the Peanuts translation: "Wa wa wa wa wa").

I know that several of your parents have had fertility treatments. Can any of you tell me if they were successful? ("Wa wa wa wa wa wa wa?")

Marcie: I got a sister.

Violet: I got a brother.

Franklin: I got twin brothers.

Charlie Brown: I got a rock.

Peppermint Patty: Good one Chuck.

Teacher: There can be many reasons for a couple's infertility: Weight, medical issues, low sperm count, age. As for your parents... I think being invisible is the likely cause. (Wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa)

Charlie Brown: Ma'am? Could you tell me ma'am?

Teacher: What is it now Charlie Brown? ("Wa wa wa wa wa?!")

Charlie Brown: Ma'am if we were created in 1950, how are we only somewhere around eight years old?

Teacher: Have your parents ever mentioned freezing embryos, Charlie Brown? (Wa wa wa wa wa wa wa?)

Charlie Brown: The thing is Ma'am- Do we have parents? What I mean Ma'am: Do they even exist? I mean we kind of live by ourselves.

Like when Linus stays out all night in the pumpkin patch every Halloween waiting for the Great Pumpkin, it's his sister Lucy who always goes out to get him in the middle of the night.

And I've been wearing the same shirt since 1950 Ma'am. And my little sister Sally's hair has just kind of been stuck like that forever and none of us can get it down. And Pig-Pen has never once taken a bath in almost sixty years. And Peppermint Patty wears her open-toed sandals outside all year long, even in the Valentine's Day special and that's in February.

And Linus' blanket has NEVER been washed. And Marcie hasn't been to an optometrist since 1968. And Snoopy eats turkey on Thanksgiving with his bird friend Woodstock and nobody ever tells him how wrong that is.

And nobody's ever told Schroeder to sit up straight while he's playing the piano.

And Lucy takes money for giving psychiatric advice without a license and nobody ever tells her how wrong that is either.

Lucy: You Block Head!

Charlie Brown: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!

Lori Shandle-Fox is Author of the ebook, Laughing IS Conceivable: One Woman's Extremely Funny Peek into the Extremely Unfunny World of Infertility http://licthebook.com $2.99 USD or Free download at Kindle Library