I've Become a Very Positive, Negative Person

I've evolved into a world of positive energy. Even now, I'm typing this post from an ashram in the Himalayas. (Well it feels like the Himalayas, though I suppose the frigid temperatures can be attributed to my husband having the a/c on inside when the temperature is 40 degrees outside.) Truly I am fascinated with all I'm learning about quieting your mind and a positive mind-set: Yoga, meditation with Oprah and Deepak Chopra... All of this will be just dandy for me as a humor writer. For a humor writer, lots of positive thought leads to lots of blank pages. "A rabbi and a nun walked into a bar... and they became the best of friends and brought peace and harmony to all those around them."... See what I mean?

So in the interest of my art only, you understand, I'm what you'd call a positive, negative person. Just like I've worked with some people my friend Hannah refers to as "angry Christians".

They go to church religiously (b'dum bum), talk about Gd's will and Gd's grace and quote scripture and carry around a Bible and are grateful for everything and everything's a blessing until you cross them, then they hate you, never want to talk to you again, and Gd will punish you because "what goes around comes around" and "karma's a bitch." They'll also sit next to you all day long at work reading Bible quotes on the Internet while everybody else does their share of the work.

So I'm a little like that. I believe in employing every fiber of my being as a force of positive energy in the universe unless you're driving in front of me at 30 m.p.h. Then I believe in tailgating you and using my will, and if necessary, my front bumper to make you go faster. The same goes if you're sitting calmly at a yellow light and just let it go red with me sitting behind you. So, I'm a big proponent of positive thinking, positive living, positive energy, and an occasional healthy bout with road rage. Call it "spiritual bingeing" if you like.  It's like having kale smoothie cleanses for lunch all week and then on Thursday: "Today, I think I'd rather have a pound bag of M & Ms instead.... But not the green ones. I've had enough greens for the week."

And now that I've become such a positive person, I've evolved in my relationships as well.  I dislike being around negative people. I mean I hate them. I mean I wish them harm. I mean if my husband is talking to my father-in-law on his cell phone, I make him take the call outside just to make sure the negative energy escaping through the phone seeps into the neighborhood instead of the walls of our house.

This new way of thinking positively has saved me from that dead end road I was headed down of being a kind and compassionate friend.  I'd have people come to me and say: "I'm so tired. I feel sick. My kids are driving me crazy. My husband doesn't do anything he's supposed to."

Although I'm sometimes about to respond as I had for years: "Come, let's talk about it." My new-found attitude and way of thinking take over and out comes my glorious new enlightened mantra:

"Go away you depressing fk before you pollute my tranquil universe with your bullshit!"