(Start with "Monday" if you can. We're giving Mother's Day and the days following, the tribute they deserve: With plenty of good old fashioned anger and violence.) (And if you'd like to see other aspects of my agressive personality, please do subscribe to this blog for weekly newsletters always guaranteed to be full of... well let's just say... info.)
So, what were we talking about? Oh right. The depressing, Hallmark-induced, pancake house celebrating, 24 dollars a dozen half-dead roses delivered to the wrong house on the right day or the right house on the wrong day---holiday that we affectionately (and sarcastically) refer to as "Mother's Day".
Enough I say! Today has been declared another holiday for all of us who survived Sunday's debacle. I proclaim today to be: "Give Yourself a Cookie Day!" For those who sat through your mother-in-law telling you how proud she is of all of her grandchildren (even the imbeciles among them) and wishes she had more... Give yourself a cookie.
For those who spent time at a family gathering watching their nieces and nephews run around as you secretly hoped they would throw up on one of their parents just to bring a little joy into your day... Give yourself a cookie.
For those who bit the bullet while their mother cornered them in the kitchen and said: "You know the only thing that would make this day better, would be if you were finally going to make me a grandma"... Give yourself a cookie.
For those who endured cousins showing pictures of their kids on their smartphone, while the damn kids were right in front of you... Give yourself a cookie.
For those who listened to their siblings complain to each other about how hard it is being a parent and how tired they always are, and how they never have enough time for themselves... Give yourself a cookie.
For those who went out with the extended family to some family-style BS restaurant and had to watch while everyone counted six times how many high chairs and how many booster seats they needed... Give yourself a cookie.
For those who just couldn't deal with Sunday at all and stayed home and bitched to your husband... Give yourself a cookie. (Even if you already gave yourself twenty or forty on Sunday.)
And for those who were fed up to here with the whole stupidity of the holiday and told even one family member with unsolicited advice, or a thoughtless remark to "Screw-Off"... Give yourself a whole box of cookies.
And for those of you who did nothing...You survived the holiday...and that's plenty... "Give yourself a cookie"
Listen, I gotta go. Father's Day is a month away. I barely have time to jot down all of my gripes. I'm probably the only person who brings a giant calendar with me to the shooting range.
I'll talk with ya again tomorrow.