I've Met ALL SORTS of Mothers in my Life (Tuesday)

(Start with "Monday" if you can.  When I get going ridiculing a holiday, you don't want to miss anything.) So, what were we talking about? Oh right. Now that the horrible little holiday is history for another year....What do you say we make fun of it behind its back? 

Mother's Day was always a great holiday for me. Except in 1988, 1989, 1990, '91, '92, '93, '94, '95, '96. '97, '98, '99, 2000, 2001, and 2002.

You might say, during that time period, spanning two centuries, I was in a Mother's day drought.  

My mom was no longer around (I'm trying not to be morbid... I figured  "no longer around" sounds like maybe she ran off to Bermuda with a flamenco dancer) and I had no babies arriving in the foreseeable future.

And for those fourteen years, I never could figure out how to respond when random people would say:

"Happy Mother's Day!"

Being a non-Christian, I had the same predicament with "Merry Christmas!"

I apologize that I've mentioned this before, but I've created a system that I think works well in these awkward or at least, pesky situations that I always like to share.

When people wish you well on these holidays that you don't celebrate, I feel there are three possible solutions: 

A) Be sarcastic- (My first choice for most everything) 

Pesky Person:  "Merry Christmas!"

My response: "Happy Rahmadan!"

Pesky Person: "Happy Mother's Day!"

My response: "Happy AA Meeting!"   

B) Educate (My least favorite option)

Pesky Person:  "Merry Christmas. Did you buy your tree yet? "

My response (against my better judgment):  "I'm not Christian. I'm Jewish. We celebrate Chanukah."

This is my least favorite option because it's too much work and never goes well. The dialogue usually continues thus:

Pesky Person: "Oh. But did you get your tree yet?"

My response: "I told you we don't celebrate Christmas. Will you stop with the tree already?!"

And educating people about your Mother's Day situation is ten times worse.

"Happy Mother's Day"

"I don't celebrate Mother's Day. My mom passed away and I have no kids."

Well that's going to brighten anyone's day.  That's why the best choice is usually #3.

C) Don't Educate...Evacuate...(For those of you who are rock fans: aka "The Bono Method")

"Merry Christmas"

"U2"

"Happy Mother's Day"

"U2"

And keep on walking.

Listen, I gotta go. "Dancing with the Stars" is on for two hours tonight and I've got to plan something else to do for two hours.

I'll talk with ya again tomorrow.