I've Met ALL SORTS of Mothers in My Life (Wednesday)

(Start with "Monday" if you can. We're looking back at Mother's Day and giving it the kick in the teeth it deserves.... And speaking of kicks, please consider subscribing to this here Laughing IS Conceivable blog to receive weekly blog happenings, offers, and chats on why in the world I wrote what I wrote that week.) So, what were we talking about? Oh right. How to respond to those who wished us a Happy Mother's Day, the bastards. The reason why I'm discussing this now is that there may be an aftermath. Like an after-shock from an earthquake.  

As if it wasn't bad enough to have all these yutzes wishing you a Happy Mother's day, now they might boomerang back at you with:

"So, how was your Mother's Day?"

Friday they wished you a good Mother's Day, and now the psycho control freak wants to know if her wish for you came true. Like she's your fricken fairy godmother.

As we discussed a bit yesterday: The way to handle anybody who is trying to suck you into any holiday that that you're desperately trying to avoid is: "Don't Educate...Evacuate". 

There are precisely two ways to approach the following question: 

"So, How was your Mother's Day?"

1) Educate:

"Well, I don't have any kids yet. We've been trying to have a baby for two years. First we went to this one clinic and I was on some drugs to regulate my cycle and then we were going to do artificial insemination, but now we think maybe my husband also has a sperm count issue.

And I know Mother's Day should be time I spend with my mom, but I'm really too depressed and watching her celebrate with my sisters and their kids and having to listen to them all tell me 'not to worry so much...if it's meant to happen it will happen' really just depresses me more...."


2)  Evacuate

"So How Was Your Mother's Day?"

"Fine thanks. See ya tomorrow!"

It's all about keeping the goal in mind. You really don't want to confide in the average passerby. You want them to keep passing you by.

That's why it's vitally important that you don't use too many words (obviously I'm still working on that). You don't want to say anything that they have to break their stride to catch.

You also want to speak loudly and clearly. If you whisper, not only will they slow down (or Gd forbid, stop) to hear what you said, they'll come closer.

And whatever you do...I mean WHATEVER you do... Do not, I repeat, DO NOT "and yours" them!

"Hey, how was  your Mother's Day?"

"Great. And yours?"

Don't do that! This is no time to be polite!

"Great" was good enough. In fact it was perfect. Not only is it just one word, it's only one syllable. Nobody would have to slow down to hear that. You could yell it while they're closing the car door.

You had one quick altercation with them. Then you couldn't resist throwing in the "and yours?" and now you just obligated yourself to go another round.  

So remember: "Don't Educate... Evacuate."  I'm considering putting it on a bumper sticker and sticking it on schools in heavy natural disaster zones... Or on the side panel of an enema.

Listen, I gotta go.... Okay, it's how I always end my posts, but maybe an unfortunate choice of words directly following the enema remark. 

I'll talk with ya again tomorrow.