Let the Grilling Begin! (Wednesday)

So, what were we talking about? Oh right. The grand tradition in the U.S. of having a barbecue every Memorial Day Weekend. This year we've decided to add some variety to our grilling. Besides the usual BBQ fare: Hotdogs, hamburgers, and ribs... I think it would be a good idea to throw some neighbors on the barbie.

Afterall, a lot of them have no problem grilling us all year long. ("When are you going to have kids? Are you trying to get pregnant? Did I tell you my sister's pregnant with her third?") 

So, maybe on Memorial Day Weekend, we should invite our nosiest neighbor over for a barbecue, scrape a spatula under his or her ass and flip 'em onto the grill. (Start with Monday's post if you can.)

"Hey look! Here comes Marietta! Hi Marietta! Come on up!... So, Marietta. It's really great to see you. There's been something I've been meaning to ask you...

I noticed the other day that you had your boobs done. I mean, they look nice and everything but they don't really go with your body.

I mean your body moves in all directions and your boobs only look forward. Like, look right now. You're sitting down and your boobs are still standing up. 

And I don't mean to be the one to bring the whole thing up, but I figure you want everyone to look at them because you wore a bikini top to my barbecue and we don't have a pool and you can see my backyard from your backyard so I'm thinking you totally know that we don't have a pool and you can't be coming from your pool because, look, there's your backyard right there...No pool.

Unless you're planning to go somewhere afterwards to swim, but you don't really look like you're planning to budge from my adirondack chair any time soon.... Pass me some hotdog buns, would you please?... 

Speaking of buns, you didn't have a boob job to keep people from looking at your ass did you? I mean if you're going to have plastic surgery, you probably shouldn't leave your ass behind...sorry for the pun... I mean, just look... there's like a twenty year age difference between your boobs and your ass.

I hope you're planning to rectify...I mean take care of that. I mean, it's just not fair to the rest of us. We have to see you every day. Could you at least wrap a sweater or something around it until you can get it taken care of?

My husband's really near-sighted and he looked out the window the other morning and said: 'Hey look at this. Marietta's walking her dog. I didn't know she had a dog.'

And I said 'what dog? She doesn't have a dog. And I ran over to the window and sure enough it was your ass you were dragging along the driveway."

Listen, I gotta go run next door and tell my neighbor Marietta that it's just a coincidence that the woman in my post is named Marietta and that her butt looks just fine.

I'll talk with ya again tomorrow.