(Start with "Monday" if you can. Tomorrow's Veteran's Day and I'm an IVF veteran. Have some respect. Do I get a free meal at Applebee's?) So, what were we talking about? Oh right. How impressed everyone at the fertility clinic was with my husband's Olympic swimmer sperm and how underwhelmed they were with his old lady- who, in fertility terms was well--- an old lady.
We also discussed how you sometimes feel jealous when you're the one diagnosed with the infertility problems. And it's okay to lament (momentarily) that you're the one who has to go through all of this, not him.
In preparing for this post, I came across an article on FertilityPlus' site. It made some mention of the man's role. The seedier side of his responsibilities. Yes, I think you know to what I'm referring. Oh grow up. You do too.
I stumbled upon this bit of advice:
"Don't talk to your partner too much about his role. This may cause him extra anxiety during an already stressful time and the extra stress can aggravate the performance anxiety that men suffer on the day of retrieval."
Now you tell me. So which of these things should I have not said to my husband on that day? Or should I ask: "How many of these things should I have not said?"
1) "Honey, I'll leave you alone now. Do you want me to leave The 'Golden Girls' on? It's the one when Sophia wakes up on the couch naked."
2) "Honey, is this like playing golf for you? When you're aiming, does that cup seem extremely small?"
3) "Don't worry about that picture of your mom next to the bed. I'm sure she's not really watching you."
4) "You'll be thinking of me the whole time, right?"
5) "Don't worry if you can't do it. $15,000 down the drain. It's only money."
6) "I'll be in the car. Come on, come on."
7) "Please focus. You know you never finish anything you start. Remember the deck?"
8) a)"Your sister's on the phone. Should I tell her to hold on?"
b)"This is such an exciting moment for us. I have to tell somebody. I'll talk to her until you're done."
10) "Try to make extra in case we spill some on the way."
10) "So then, if you're doing this now, I'm off the hook for tonight, right?"
11) "This is kind of a special occasion. Should I iron your dress pants?"
12) "Let me know the second you're done so I can catch you before you fall asleep."
13) "Don't make yourself too comfortable. We have an appointment to get to you know."
14) "Do you need an extra hand to hold the container lid?"
15) "I hope you're not planning to take a shower afterwards. We don't have that kind of time."
I can't believe he threw me out of the house and then wasted precious time changing all the locks before he commenced.
Listen I gotta go. Do you think I'll have to dress in uniform like other vets when I go to Applebee's for my free meal tomorrow? I can wear my paper examination gown. I could use a bib when I eat anyway.
If you have the chance, take a look at Ian Claxton's article: "Ways to Boost Male Fertility" (naturally)...quite informative I think. http://laughingisconceivable.com/?page_id=642
I'll talk with ya again tomorrow.