Mother's Day...What a Lovely Day...Glad THAT's Over

I dedicate this announcement to anyone who will humor me for eight seconds. Please consider purchasing my e-book. It's a scant $3.99 and guaranteed to make you laugh out loud at infertility. To read the reviews/see excerpts from each chapter/buy the damn thing (available on Kindle and all devices like phones and Ipads with Kindle apps) click on a book cover at the waaaaaaay bottom of the page or for those who sit in their car for twenty minutes waiting for the lady with six kids and two shopping carts full to load, unload, buckle and return the carts so they can get the parking spot closest to the door...don't worry...I won't make you scroll....   

I dedicate this post to all of you who just didn't know what to say when someone said "Happy Mother's Day". Thought you were alone? Yeah...I don't THINK so.

Oh well, another Mother's Day bit the dust. And as we drive away from it, we look at it through the rear view mirror of life and mutter to ourselves: What was that I just ran over?

By now the view from the rear view mirror of life should appear to be nothing but a spec on the calendar of life. Objects are closer than they appear? No they're not. Mother's Day doesn't need to be dealt with again for another 355 glorious days.

Mother's Day like a lot of holidays to me is nothing but a rash on the epidermis of life. They never do any real harm, they're just there to irritate. I feel like wrapping up a six pack of calomine lotion and handing it out to well-wishers on holidays: "Here... Happy Whatever Day! Good luck with your itch."

I've mentioned before, usually at this very time of year, but Mother's Day was a black hole in my life for many years...So if you've been trying to have a baby for two years or three years or five years...consider this grand example of "My misery is worse than your misery".... Between the time I lost my mother, and including my infertility fiasco, there were, count 'em, 19 years when I neither had a mother nor was one. So how does one respond all those years to the dubious comment: "Happy Mother's Day"?

It could be a daunting and depressing task to be confronted with to be sure... unless you're blessed with the gift of being a smartass and couldn't care less what nonsense you say to people who mean nothing to you anyway.

I've often pointed out that in these situations the best solution is to achieve your goal. And what is your goal? That people speak to you as little as possible and then go away. That's why explaining your plight about trying to conceive, and going to this doctor and considering being a foster parent and getting a puppy for the time being, is all well and good but gets you further and further away from your goal of getting these people to keep on walking away from you as fast as their stubby hairy-except below the sock line--little legs, will take them. 

The other alternative is to screw with them. 

"Happy Mother's Day"--- "What do you mean by that? I'm only twelve, you slob!" "Happy Mother's Day"--"I'm sorry, what? I can't hear you. I'm sorry, what? I can't hear you. I'm sorry, what? I can't hear you."

(Ten or twelve rounds should do it.)

"Happy Mother's Day"--"I don't celebrate Mother's Day. We're (fill in the blank) Canadian, Lutheran, Autistic, Vegetarians, Shriners, Racists, Democrats, Nudists...."

"Happy Mother's Day"--- Oh we love Mother's Day. It's been a family tradition passed down from generation to generation: We all get up early so we can run to the florist, pay 40 dollars for a dozen roses and then sit around the pancake house for 2 hours waiting for our table, then another hour for someone from the waitstaff to acknowledge we're sitting at it."   

"Happy Mother's Day"-- "Screw off"... (Concise, to the point, and translates easily into 112 languages.) 

And I hope next year when somebody says: "Happy Mother's Day" you will consider spitting back some of the above. No, actually, next year when somebody says "Happy Mother's Day", I hope you will just be able to say "Thank You.".. and mean it.