Last week was National Infertility Awareness Week. It’s an annual event exactly like the Rose parade except that the first words that come to mind when you think of “infertility” are “hell”, ”hormones” and “sucks” instead of flowers, sunshine, and football. I first learned about National Infertility Awareness Week last year, and to be honest, I wasn’t at all sure that I liked the idea. I doubt that one of us came up with this tribute of sorts. Can you picture it?
“I’m always emotionally and mentally drained. I’ve stuck so many needles into myself, I’m considering renting a corner in a crack house. I don’t let my husband touch me without consulting a calendar first, because ‘why waste my time?’ Even if I got pregnant today, I’d still be freaking out, because I spent the baby’s four year college tuition plus book money on treatments."
"Hey, I wish I could share this wonderful time in my life with more people. It’s really not enough that my grandparents, my cousin, his frat brothers, and the woman at work who secretly reads my emails know. How can I make the whole Country aware?”
No, if infertility sufferers could declare a week, it probably wouldn’t be “National Infertility Awareness Week”. It might be, however,:
“National 'Free IVF' Week"
“National 'Give Me Good News For A Change So I Can Finally Go On With My Life' Week"
“National 'Nurses Returning My Phone Calls' Week"
“National 'Speedy Lab Results' Week"
“National 'Mind Your Own Business' Week”
“National 'Please Let Me Crawl Into A Hole And Be Left Alone' Week"
“National 'Ask Me Again Why I Don’t Have Kids And I’ll Kick You In The Neck' Week"
Yes, I feel confident that any one of the above would pass easily through the committee.
As sensitive, caring, and unselfish as most of us are, we might even suggest the spotlight be taken off of us altogether and put on equally challenging afflictions that have been, far too long, taboo in our society: By a show of hands, how many for “National Jock Itch” month? I feel that even with an entire month dedicated to this underappreciated condition, sufferers would barely be able to (dare I say it?) scratch the surface.
But no, it indeed was the eve of “National Infertility Awareness” week and all I could think of was: “Do I really want people to be aware?” All in favor say “Oy”.
Listen, I gotta go. My husband just found a long, frizzy, reddish, blondish, brownish, mostly gray, store-brand conditioned, hair in the shower and I have to convince him that it’s his.
I’ll talk to you tomorrow.