"A Scent of A Woman" Theory Stinks (Wednesday)

(Start with "Monday" if you can. For this week's topic, the scent of a woman, I've turned this into a scratch & sniff blog. So you'll definitely want to scratch "Monday"'s screen. It smells like paprika.) So, what was I talking about? Oh right. How according to this report, men are especially attracted to women when they're at their most fertile: The scent of a woman they called it. I apparently lost my come hither fragrance about twenty years ago. Now I just wreak.

Truth be told: I was at my absolute most fertile not that long ago: When I was going for my egg retrieval. Not to dispute this "Men are attracted to women when they're at their most fertile theory" but nobody in their right mind would have been attracted to me that day.

So let's jog the ol' memory. Me, at my most fertile--moments before I was going to have my juicy ova yanked from my loins. I had a fever, I felt bloated, I was wearing a paper hat, booties, and gown ensemble with an IV attached to my hand and I seem to recall telling a person in the elevator who had the audacity to reach for a button to fk off. 

So this was Lori at her fertilest. So, this was the most attractive I'll ever be for as long as I live.

I wasn't even attractive to the guy administering the sedative. He sees women look like that all day and yet, when I first walked into the room, I could swear I saw him flinch. He couldn't pump those drugs into me fast enough. He probably was hoping I wouldn't look as bad unconscious.

At least he wouldn't have to hear my foul mouth and could talk about me over my nearly dead body. The last thing I remember hearing before I was out was me counting: "100,99..." and then his  voice: "She's out thank Gd".

They were supposed to wake me up in the recovery room, but the nurses left the deed to my husband. They figured he probably still loved me somehow. Nobody else had the heart or guts to bring me back to consciousness: Afraid of what they might find.

Finally the nurse came over and told me they had retrieved twenty-one eggs from me during the procedure. I'm still not sure if I really had that many eggs to give or they just were prolonging the sedation as long as humanly possible without me having to learn how to walk again. If they'd run out of eggs, they probably would have taken out my spleen...just to kill time.

So, this was the day I was at my most fertile in my entire life. So, this was the day I was the most attractive to...okay, nobody... I didn't even want to be around me.

Listen, I gotta go. I think I'll just go buy some of Beyonce's perfume. If I've got no scent left to attract anyone I may as well steal someone else's.  She seems to be doing okay.

I'll talk with ya again tomorrow.