(Start with "Monday" if you can. That's when I'm usually full of energy (or full of something). By mid-week I lose my luster. My posts may not be brilliant, but you might find my daily decline entertaining. And consider becoming a subscriber. I send out weekly emails. You can witness what shape I'm in on the weekend.) So, what were we talking about? Oh right. How instead of lamenting our infertility situation and being envious of our friends with kids, we should focus on the facts: How incredibly dull our friends become during the holidays.
Never is this more evident than in their greeting cards. Bad enough we have to see the one big happy family all dolled up in their holiday best. Must they also sneak in their annual: "Our Family's Year in Review"?
If you've been fortunate enough never to have received one: It's like the New York Times "Week in Review", except instead of being "All the News That's Fit to Print", it's "All the Boring Sht That's Fit to Flush".
And they never sum up their whole year of tedium in one sentence:
"2010 was a great year for the Gibsons! Hope it was for your family too!"
No, they have to go month by excruciating month. And of course they have to highlight the dullest details they can dig up.
Leslie started gymnastics! The teacher says she's a natural! Maybe she'll be in the 2015 Olympics!
(Okay, not only am I already bored, I'm already offended. There are no summer Olympics in 2015. Is it so hard to "Google"? Geez, how can you be boring and inaccurate in the same sentence?)
In addition to gymnastics, Leslie started dance class. She takes tap, jazz, and modern. The teacher says she's a natural! Maybe she'll be on "So You Think You Can Dance 2025!"
(Or maybe she'll be on "Cops" getting cuffed for selling crack: Rebelling for being forced into a life of extra-curricular activities at such a tender age.)
Stephen is on the honor roll for the first time!
(I suppose it's easier to just make note of that in March, than mention the dozens of previous months when he didn't make the honor roll. There also seems to be no mention of him in April, when, sources tell me, he reverted back to being an imbecile.)
If you've got to send us this nonsense (and I don't really see why anyone would), could you at least throw us a bone and include some of the juicy stuff?
January: My husband Frank nearly drove us all into a tree watching a twenty year old in size zero jeans cross the street.
February: I tried to return an ugly night gown that Frank bought me for Christmas. The manager at JC Penney said I waited too long. I got a little upset and security had to escort me out. It was really no big deal. Made the local papers though.
March: Got the phone bill. Our son Stephen apparently racked up $1200 calling 1-900-lick this.
April: I won the bake-off at the state fair with my chocolate chip cookies! I wonder if I should have mentioned that they were Chips Ahoy.
May: Frank hired a new guy to cut the grass. A real cutie patootie. He could mow my lawn anytime.
But nobody ever gives us anything like that to hold us over until the next year. Every December I walk to the mail box like I'm walking to the electric chair. The driveway is my Green Mile. I open up the mail box and take out the contents, my hands trembling: " A bill, good. Another bill, good. Another bill, good. A greeting card from Lisa. ( I suck in my breath.)And I see several folded sheets of paper in the envelope. Shoot me."
Listen I gotta go. I have to watch "A Charlie Brown Christmas". My husband taped it for me last night. So if you know how it ends, don't tell me.
Be sure to check out a new article on surviving the holidays by psychologist and social worker
Irene Celcer: http://laughingisconceivable.com/?page_id=642
I'll talk to you tomorrow.