Spring Training for Infertility Virgins (Thursday)

(Start with "Monday" if you can. This week we're discussing '"InfertilityVirgins"...Geez I hope I haven't given anyone any ideas for a reality show on TLC or Playboy TV either.) So here's just a smidge of what you can expect as you embark on the journey. If you're an infertility old-timer, help me out will ya?:       

At your first appointment you'll probably be bombarded with a million questions..."How old are you? Have you been pregnant before? How long have you been trying to get pregnant? Do you have any genetic disorders in your family? (I wonder if I should have mentioned the "smartass" thing: A dominant trait on my mother's side...)

Do your husband's sperm swim straight or in circles? Can they backstroke? Have they won any medals? 

Then you'll likely be sent for tests to see if you have all your necessary body parts, if they're in the correct order, if they're in working order, and if your insurance is of any use at all. 

You'll give blood to check your hormone levels, have someone stick their hand into one or two  of your openings to see if they can get your ovaries to high-five, and toss a tennis ball up your fallopian tubes and see if it comes back. (Wait, I tossed up a "Wilson" and a "Dunlop" came out...Whose tennis ball is this? Is anyone in any of the other examination rooms missing a ball? Please, could everyone check? This is the second time this week.) 

(Okay, relax...I admit it. I may have gotten a little carried away..They'll simply check out the ovaries and the tennis ball part is a complete lie. They just send some painless dye up there.) 

And if you have a husband or a male something or other in on this with you...He'll be sent to give a sperm sample. I won't go into exactly how they get the sperm out of him to produce such a sample, (thank you Lori. We appreciate that) let's just say I imagine it to be entirely more pleasant an experience than the fallopian tube escapade I described above where, by the way, you will be required to hold your urine for what feels like a week and a half...(Or, if you prefer, stuck in a Friday night rush hour traffic jam after having  just downed  three liters of water...now contemplating how to best use that empty three liter bottle.)

Then they'll whisk away his sperm sample to the lab. The lab person will put on her Coach's cap and blow her whistle, and your husband, partner, whatever he is...will be cheering his boys on like it was a swimming relay at the XY...I meant "Y". Yeah, I definitely meant "Y".

If he has many on his team that make it straight to the finish line without getting lost or drowning along the way...his day is done...as is his brush with a diagnosis of infertility.

A lot of annoyances...nothing too terrible at all... 

Listen I gotta go: Please come read about my major tiff with my doctor and the new post on the way about all of those crazy RE IUI IVF ICSI initials at http://fertilityauthority.com/bloggers and scroll till you see my face.

I'll talk with ya again tomorrow.