(Start with "Monday" if you can. My blog is like "Dances with the Stars": It's so complex, if you don't follow it from the beginning, you'll be forever befuddled.) So, what were we talking about? Oh right. How I had entered into the world of fertility treatments oh so innocently. It was like that ad for the New York State Lottery: "All you need is a dollar and a dream".
That's what I thought fertility treatments would be for me. I expected to see the billboard as I got off the elevator to the clinic:
"All You Need Is Twenty Thousand Dollars and A Dream"
Little did I know that at 41, I was not quite what the doctor ordered to boost his success rates.
Yesterday I quoted some statistics from Resolve.org. At 41, I was on the short end of most of them. So I did the only sensible thing: I went into a deep, but gloriously happy, denial.
"Infertility affects 7.3 million people in the U.S. This figure represents 12% of women of childbearing age"
2.5% higher than the national unemployment rate! That's me in that VIP sorority. You go girl!
"A couple ages 29-33 with a normal functioning reproductive system has only a 20-25% chance of conceiving in any given month"
Yeah yeah, 29, 33, whatever whatever... Everyone knows women are only getting to their sexual peak at that age...Eight years later, I'm such hot stuff, they'll be impregnating me left and right.
I don't need a donor sperm and still there are guys lined up around the block just aching to give me some.
The most recently available statistics indicate the live birth rate per fresh non-donor embryo transfer is 28%.
Okay, so they put four of those in me and none of them took. And everyone says that frozen embryos have even a lower success rate.
But that's for the average infertile woman I'm sure.
I've been building up to this my whole life. My innards have been in training to thrive in these sub zero temperatures.
Sure, some of these other women are probably physically fit, but how many of them have actually subsisted on frozen Stouffer's macaroni and cheese and Haagen Dazs since the early '80's?
Approximately 85-90% of infertility cases are treated with drug therapy or surgical procedures. Fewer than 3% need advanced reproductive technologies like in vitro fertilization (IVF).
There I am again in an elite group. People are going to say I'm a snob. I mean, look, anybody can take some pills or have surgery.
But only a real woman can get her husband to travel on a NYC subway clutching a specimen cup, (his own personal "aquarium" if you will) under his jacket.
(I'm sure it happens every day on the NYC subway. And less than 1/10 of 1%; fewer than 1 in 10 million having anything even remotely to do with IVF.)
Listen I gotta go. I have to floss. I have a very deep cavity in one of my molars and a couple of M & M's went missing about an hour ago. It's like a dental Bermuda Triangle....Bad for the gums, good for weight loss though.
I'll talk with ya again tomorrow.