Statistics Shmastistics (Wednesday)

(Start with "Monday" if you can. If you're going to hear me kvetch about being told I was  too old to get pregnant, you may as well get the full cumulative effect. By tomorrow my voice will sound like an ambulance siren in your head. By Friday, a police car chase over three states) So, what were we talking about? Oh right. How, according to the fertility clinic's statistics, things didn't look too good for this old broad.

If the statistics were correct, something in my body would implode way before I ever got pregnant and/or had a baby:

Maybe my estrogen levels would drop until my voice changed and I had sudden urges to open beer with my teeth (and then, even worse, drink the damn thing).  

I'd live the rest of my days childless, trying to maneuver around to see the hair accumulate on my back.

And the rest of my nights filling my empty ovaries with Keebler Fudge-Striped cookies. (I feel sure that's where they would go next, once my stomach and colon hit capacity. Like the overflow parking at the State Fair.)

So according to Resolve.org (a truly fantastic resource, all kidding aside), every statistic was compiled with me in mind:

"1 in 8 couples in the U.S. have fertility issues".

Maybe we should just move to Singapore. 11.4% of the households there are millionaires.

And why concentrate on the negative? "1 in 8 couples have fertility issues." Can't we just say:

"7 in 8 couples don't have fertility issues and get pregnant after heavy fondling" and leave it at that? 

"A couple age 29-33 with a normal functioning reproductive system has only a 20-25% chance of conceiving in any given month."

Okay, so my husband and I didn't even meet until we were pushing 39. Did we have normal functioning reproductive systems then? Couldn't say.

The closest I can state with confidence is that we had normal functioning external reproductive organs. (Geez, I tried to put that as nicely as I could. I think I failed miserably.)

Okay, so between 29 and 33, there is a 1 in 4 or 1 in 5 chance of getting pregnant each month.

So, when we got married and started trying at age 39 1/2, there was, let's see, --carry the 2. Add the 4. And he's 9 days older than I am, and February is the 2nd month, and we were married on a Sunday... in Florida which is in a different time zone from New York I think...

Okay... so the day we got married there was a 0 in 2800 chance I would get pregnant in any give month.

Listen I gotta go. I have to find a mirror to stand in front of to do some positive affirmations: "You're young and beautiful." "Your reproductive organs have not shriveled like a worm in the sun."

I'll talk with you again tomorrow. I promise there is a light at the end of my dark long tunnel (take that anyway you like)