Steamy Infertility Sex, I mean, "Relations"

When you're trying desperately to get pregnant, sex is like pumping gas. It's not particularly fun. It's not particularly exciting. It's just a necessary evil to fill up your tank. And it's best to wait until it's over to light a cigarette. B'dum Bum. I remember back in the days when my husband would grab my ass without having a needle in it...Just because it was there.

Remember back before the soap opera: The Days of Our Infertility? When you had sex not "relations" as the doctors like to put it? And you partook in it whenever the mood moved you not when it was prescribed by a specialist?

Sex was about love, hugging, kissing, intimacy. Then suddenly one day it got added to the list along with Follistim, Clomid, and Lupron and changed from sex into doctor-ordered "relations". It became just another cog in the "get pregnant" wheel in the baby-making factory.

Back then it was all sweet talk and spending precious romantic time together...close, very close. Suddenly you became the foreman at the baby-making factory.

And now let's join the "Sounds of Infertile Sex... Already in Progress":

"No I don't want to try that. How's hanging upside down from the ceiling fan going to help me get pregnant? Gravity will pull everything out that we want to stay in. Don't we have enough issues without making them swim upstream to spawn? No, no ceiling fan. It may sound like fun to you but it sounds counter-productive to me. Try to focus, will ya?"

"Look, Buddy I don't want to do it again either. But it's the 16th. And you'd better get used to it. We're going to have to do it today, tomorrow, the next day and maybe even the day after that. I'm sorry but we all have to make sacrifices. Desperate times call for desperate measures."

"Maybe after we do it we can play Scrabble or something. I think it'll help if we have something to look forward to. You know, so the night won't be a total loss."

"Good, now that that's out of the way, do we have any snacks in the house?"

"Hi Mom. We are trying. We really are. If you don't believe me... Here... You can ask him yourself. (whisper to husband) Don't sweat up my phone!"

"Could we try to get this over with by 10? "Chopped" has a new episode tonight. Nevermind. I guess I can watch it at the same time. Could you make sure you're not blocking the TV just in case we don't finish before they open the first basket?"

"Watch your arm! Oh, great, now I lost my page."

"Now you decided to find that spot? When it couldn't possibly matter less?!"

Infertility Treatment Pillow Talk--Wow.... They say you never know what goes on behind closed doors. This is one of those things, people are really better off not knowing.

(My ebook, Laughing IS Conceivable: One Woman's Extremely Funny Peek into the Extremely Unfunny World of Infertility was written while I was in the infertility trenches. $2.99 USD/$2.04 UK or Free at Kindle Library. Reviews at book cover icon to the right)