Stress & Fertility Treatments: "What Could it Hurt?" (Wednesday)

(Start with "Monday" if you can. I usually do. I like to make sure that that great idea I'm about to write...I didn't already write two days ago....Sometimes I know it sounds familiar. I just can't remember where I heard it.) So, what were we talking about? Oh right. How this new study claims that stress really has no negative impact whatsoever on fertility treatments. Apparently in this study, as many serene, zen-like, yoga experts got pregnant as panic-stricken, "on-my-very-last-nervous wrecks." 

I did what I could to keep all the pressures from getting to me during my treatments: Pressures- Both related and non-related to infertility. Is it possible to have pressures not related to infertility during infertility? Hm...Now that you mention it...No.

When you're going through treatments, all roads lead to infertility.

It's like a theory I've mentioned before about dentists. This theory is called: "All roads lead to a crown." And, by the way...I believe with every fiber of my being...it's more than a theory.  

I don't care what your dental appointment is for. The second you set foot into the waiting area, it's over.

"You need a crown." ... "I'm only here for a cleaning"

"You need a crown." ... "I walked in the wrong entrance. I meant to go to the realtor next door."

"You need a crown."... "All my teeth are fake."

"You need a crown."..."Aren't you just the receptionist?" 

"You need a crown."... "I'm only four years old.... Can I have one like Cinderella's?"

"You need a crown."... "All my teeth already have crowns."... "They all need a second one." 

Infertility works the same way.... No matter what path you start down, when you're infertile, every last one of them leads to infertility.

"The electric bill is due"... "Can't pay it...fertility treatments"

"The company picnic is next week"... "Can't go...Have appointment...fertility treatments"

"You've gained some weight."..."Can't lose it...fertility treatments"

"I'm having my baby shower next week"..."Can't deal with it...fertility treatments"

"The family reunion's in June"..."Can't face moronic questions from moronic people...fertility treatments"

During this time of your life, there's virtually no topic you can hit upon that doesn't begin on a sunny, breezy, relaxing, lazy, Saturday afternoon path and ending up winding down into the dark, dank, cold, ditch of infertility.

"Beach"..............."Oh, it's a warm beautiful day, I can dig my toes into the sand (still happy), I can lie on my blanket and read my book: "1200 Reasons Why Women Don't Get Pregnant" (sinking fast) Of course, I've gained some weight since I started my treatments so I'll have to wear a one-piece bathing suit.... and maybe just lie under the blanket...And I can't go into the water. I don't want to get any of the ocean into my uterus. When it comes time to do the IUI, my husband's sperm might get all confused and swim towards Japan." (sirens in the background. Jaws of life en route to the ditch.)

"Moonlit Stroll"........."It will be so nice. Just the two of us... Walking hand-in-hand with the one I love (humming Neil Sedaka tunes). Then maybe he'll sneak a kiss. (plummet alert)... And then he'll want more. We'll both want more. But we can't have more. The egg retrieval is not until Tuesday. If he empties out now, there will be nothing left for Tuesday. I have this image of him filling up as slowly as the water in our toilet. He says I'm wrong. How does he know anyway?! Does he have a gauge somewhere on his person that I'm not aware of that has an arrow that points to "F"?! I can't take that chance.

And why does he even want to touch me anyway?! I'm not attractive right now. I've gained weight, I'm a little stressed out! At least I don't have mood swings like other women I know." (Residents from nearby homes run in the direction of the ditch---Extinguishers in hand.)

Listen, I gotta go. It's Dr. Seuss' birthday and I've got to go eat my green eggs for breakfast. No ham. Not in my house. Not in my car. Kosher-I-Am, Sam-I-Am.

I'll talk with ya again tomorrow.