"Get Pregnant Quick!" Schemes (Friday)

(Start with "Monday' if you can. You won't regret it. There's some very R-rated stuff this week. "Wednesday" is particularly filthy.) So, what were we talking about? Oh right. Sperm Boosters. About ten times this week, for some reason, I've almost called them "Sperm Busters". As in "Crime Busters" or "Who ya gonna call? Sperm Busters!"

So,now I've spent a week checking out things which may be either real answers to our fertility issues or just infertility hocus-pocus.

If  infertility stops being a billion dollar business, we'll probably see the same sites with the word "Infertility" crossed out and the word "Cancer" or "Hemhorroids" scribbled over it.

So, like I said, I've got a week of digging into these sites under my belt. (Am I qualified to become an investigative reporter for "Showbiz Tonight"? That's where Tom Brokaw got his start, you know.)

I also spent two years trying to get pregnant. And in those dark, lonely moments, I know that the lines fade between what you really believe and what you're willing to believe. So, I'm absolutely nobody to call anything a scam.

I did, however, learn some handy little tidbits from these sites which I think would be extremely helpful should I ever choose to be an entremanure myself and grow my own scam.

1) Vague is Good. Ridiculous is Better.

Q. Where were your studies conducted?

 A. In ninety-six countries on eight continents.

Q. How many people participated in your focus group?

 A. Several million. None of them have last names and all of them live in places that haven't been invented yet or cities so big, you couldn't possibly ever, never, ever never find them.

The Sperm Booster I looked into had a testimonial from Sommerville, South Carolina. As of yet, I haven't located this woman, or, for that matter, Sommerville, SC. There is indeed a Summerville, SC. So, is this a typo, a place that exists that I just haven't found, or a town six miles due west off the coast of Fantasy Island?

Still, it checked out better than the ovulation booster. I can't find the research that's cited. I can't even find the woman peddling the product. She's apparently search engine shy.        

2) Have a product whose main ingredient comes from a place 99% of Americans will never visit,  and 6% would be able to spell only if it was mentioned repeatedly in Us magazine because a celebrity had named his kid that.

All of these sites peddle these secret, mysterious Asian herbs, mostly from China, up the yin-yang. So, apparently all 1.3 billion Chinese people know about these fertility herbs and none of them are talking.

One day, I'm going to take a trip to China and corner some of them (it would have been unfair of me to say "Shanghai" )

I can imagine their response: "Herb? What herb? What the hell are you people talking about? MSG is not an herb." (Yeah, yeah, I know MSG is probably only used in Chinese restaurants in America to make their food fit in with all the other crap we eat.)     

One site even went as far as to say that these herbs were the reason why China has no infertility. So is there really no infertility in China? There's plenty according to articles on, and

Of course with that "one child only" policy, one could make the claim that there's no secondary infertility in China.

3) The Ultimate Sales Tool: Guilt

The ovulation booster site goes on and on:

"You really need to act right now."

“Procrastination Will Cost You Big Time”


So now you know what your mother has been up to lately.  

Listen, I gotta go. My friend invited us to a pool party this weekend and I have to bring the hose. I need a better class of friends. I'll talk with ya again on Monday.

"Get Pregnant Quick!" Schemes (Monday)

I'm the first to admit it: I'm sometimes naive. I've worked at jobs where I thought a coworker was "high-spirited" all the time, until someone savvier than I  relieved me from my fog by pointing out that they were just "high" (occasionally on spirits) all the time.      I also get confused a lot:  I still can’t tell the difference between Melanie Griffith and Meg Ryan or, for that matter, Dennis Quaid and Kevin Costner. 

For over a year, I thought the singer, Eve and Serena Williams were the same person. Then, when I finally thought I had it sorted out, they both launched fashion lines and got me all mixed up again.

But for things that really matter to me, I'm aware. And I don't like people who peddle "Get Pregnant Quick" schemes. 

The lowest of low-lifes, as far as I'm concerned, are people who take advantage of others at their most vulnerable moments.

Anyone who salivates at the thought of selling some worthless trash bag full of  false hope to a couple desperately trying to have a baby is despicable.

Welcome to the Internet at its worst: Where infectious bacteria can fester and flourish. Where slime can peddle their crap to a million people in the blink of an eye.  

We saw a lot of these humanless humanitarians during 9-11. For a fee, they would promise to help people find out what happened to their loved ones, or help them get benefits for their tragic loss. A few actually pretended they were in mourning to get compensated for loved ones they never lost because they never existed.

So, every few years these (I'm showing great restraint, I think. I've gone several paragraphs and haven't typed "scum bags" once..and you know I've wanted to) low-lifes crawl back out from under their rocks and have another scheme up their louse-infested sleeves.

So, this week we'll focus on those "Get Pregnant Quick" Schemes. And don't feel ashamed if you've tried or thought about trying one of them. These people are good.

If they weren't, they couldn't make a buck. And making a buck is their number one through eight thousand top priorities.  There's a lot of money to be made in this world and a lot more if you have no morals.   

So, like I said: I get confused a lot.

I only found out a few months ago that Mark Walberg who hosts Antiques Roadshow isn’t the Mark Wahlberg from New Kids On the Block.

I couldn’t picture the Roadshow guy in his underwear on a billboard in Times Square. And I couldn’t picture Marky Mark wearing a suit and tie and talking about pottery, but I still couldn't process that they were two totally different people.

But I'll do my best this week to stay lucid long enough to steer you clear of what I consider to be "Get Pregnant Quick" schemes run by people with B.S. degrees... and I think you know: I don't mean Bachelor of Science.

And if you know of any: Do tell!!

Listen I gotta go. My husband just came home with flowers and I have to find out why. I'll talk with ya again tomorrow.

The Fertile Riff Raff (What? What Did I Say?) (Friday)

(Start with "Monday" if you can. It's good to get blogged as much as you can on a Friday, in case you have to go blogless on the weekend.) So, what were we talking about? Oh right. Women who get pregnant easily. Yesterday we discussed "The Irritating Irresponsibles": Women who just get pregnant for no apparent reason other than... well, for no apparent reason.

The most harmless of the annoying chicks who get pregnant easily are the imaginary ones. (Bear with me if you can.)

There are two types of imaginary pregnant women:

1) Mom's like to brag about their kids. This is tough when there may not be a lot to brag about. 

So, these Mom's work with what they've got: To everyone who will listen, they brag about their daughters' one crowning achievement: Getting pregnant easily.   

"My daughter was going to be a psychololologist, but she got pregnant and gave me a beautiful granddaughter (for my 34th birthday)."

"Then she was going to be an anthropololologist, but she got pregnant and gave me a beautiful granddaughter."

"Then she was going to build homes in South America with CoHabitation for the Homeless, yeah them...but she got pregnant and gave me  a beautiful grandson."

"Then she was about to become a general in the Air Force, but just as she was scheduled for her first flying lesson...she got pregnant and gave me a beautiful granddaughter." 

"Then she was going to be crowned Miss USA....but she got pregnant and gave me a beautiful (I think that one was a) grandson."

"Then  she was going to become the first lady of Monaco, but she got pregnant and gave me a beautiful granddaughter."

I like to think these white lies are just a mom protecting her young and trying to put a positive spin on things.

I'm sure she'd rather use the above answers when asked: "So what's your daughter been up to?" rather than: 

"Nothing much. She got thrown out of two online GED programs and three rehab facilities and has been knocked up six times."  

So, this daughter isn't 100% a figment of  mom's imagination. She does indeed have a daughter: Just not the one she's been telling you about.

2) The second imaginary pregnant woman is (oxymoron alert) really imaginary: Invented by someone who feels the uncontrollable need to top your story every time: Even if this means creating a great work of fiction.  

If you just bought a house that's twenty-seven million square feet, her imaginary niece just built one that's thirty million square feet.

If you just got a job as CEO of Microsoft, her nephew's faux step-son is your boss's boss's supervisor.

But, as luck would have it, he's in charge of the Guatemala office, so you'll probably never meet him. Unless you go to a conference in Guatemala, at which time he will have just been notified of his emergency transfer to Kuala Lumpur or maybe Cincinnati. 

So if you can't get pregnant, her first cousin can't stop getting pregnant, even though her only first cousin, you're pretty sure, is about sixty-eight.  

Her poor cousin, according to Madame La Raconteur, has tried everything not to get pregnant:

Separate bedrooms, green tea, taking a hatful of birth control pills after every meal, having a hysterectomy, gender reassignment surgery, becoming a nun... Nothing works!  

Listen I gotta go. I like to swim naked and the neighbors all signed a petiton requesting I do it before daybreak. I'll talk with ya again on Monday.

The Fertile Riff Raff (What? What Did I Say?) (Thursday)

(Start with "Monday" if you can. Anything with the word "riff-raff" in the title is worth reading from the beginning, don't ya think?) So what were we talking about? Oh right. Clueless women: Women who don't know anything.

They don't know how they got pregnant, when they got pregnant, why they keep getting pregnant and sometimes, occasionally-- They don't even know that they are pregnant.

One day she's trying on shoes at the shoe store and just happens to look down and see a little round face in the little rectangular shoe mirror.

And she exits the store in search of a whole different kind of pump than what she had intended when she entered.

But clueless women who get pregnant easily only make my eyes roll.

Irresponsible women who get pregnant easily make me wretch repeatedly. Two words:

"Maury" anyone?

Somewhere down the line I'll have an entire week's worth of blogs dedicated to Maury Povich's show. Maybe even a "Maury" month. You just can't do his guests the injustice they deserve in one measly post.

For those of you who haven't seen it: A show staple: Women (mostly women) get DNA tests done on an ex-husband, an ex-boyfriend, a boyfriend's son, a mother-in-law's husband, a husband's twin, an ex-boyfriend's boyfriend,  the guy who sat next to her at church --to confirm her child's paternity. 

Here's a direct transcript from the show, or something I'm making up as I go... You be the judge.

Miss A is seventeen, has four kids with four baby-daddy. All of them have their respective daddy name  with an "A" at the end: Marcusa, Jamesa, Joshuaa, Anthonya.

I'm not sure which is the most irresponsible part: Having all of those kids at such an immature age, having four different baby-daddy, or saddling those innocent tots with names that are absurd...and then calling them all "jr" anyway.


Miss B is twenty-four and has a husband. He is even a possible contender to be the baby-daddy. Hoo haa.

So are eight others guys: A few of his cousins and a few of their friends who happened to stop by at the family barbecue on that fateful late summer afternoon...

Leaving them all to rethink the true meaning of the "labor day weekend"... and to ponder if, perhaps, the grill should be the only thing turned on and getting hot during it.       


Miss C has been stalking poor David for two years trying to get him to pay up for his child. There she is on TV calling him a bastard and belittling his little body parts.

Where does a young lady learn such behavior? Oh, wait, there's her mother sitting next to her calling David a c*** sucker into the camera.

And naturally, when the DNA finally gets a word in edgewise, David is officially declared to be not the baby-daddy. 

So, irresponsible Miss C has been barking up the wrong guy's little tree for two years, while her child has gotten two years older and the real baby-daddy, with a two year head start, has probably made his way over the border into Mexico, or Canada, or Indiana.   

So these women got pregnant irresponsibly and now are doing something that may also be irresponsible: Bringing their child on TV to parade him and their "mashugas" (let's say "dirty laundry") for the nation to see.

If only they weren't so damn entertaining.

Listen I gotta go. I'm doing a triathalon next week and I have to learn how to swim. I hear it's like riding a bike. Which I can't do either...Maybe I'll just stand along the running route and hand out water.  I'll talk with ya tomorrow.